Lynn’s birthday was this past week – the 11th birthday since she passed. Wow – I actually had to count it out on my hand a few times just now before I could believe it. (She passed in December 2014… so that makes it 11 years. Is that really right?!) It’s hard to grasp how much the meaning of that date and what I do on 4/22 has evolved for me.
I never add a year to her age on her birthday since she passed, meaning, I don’t think, “She would have been this age if she were still alive.” (She was 50 when she passed. I turn 50 next month, and I will process THAT “mind screw” at that time… or not… who knows.)
Every year, I share and rewatch the “Happy Birthday Lynn” video I made for her first posthumous bday. I am forever grateful that, in my deep grief, as I faced that first bday, I had the NEED to create and share that video. I desperately needed to honor her, to share PROOF that she existed and that WE existed, and I needed her birthday to be acknowledged and observed with love by friends and family. I also craved that sacred space of poring through videos and photos, and molding together something tangible that minimally reflected Lynn’s earthly life. I needed to show the deep impact Lynn had on so many of us. Like her Celebration of Life video I made, these videos also reflect MY life, many of the best, most favorite parts.
Yay for iPhone photos!!! I searched for April 22, and brought up the last 11 years of memories of this date. Wowza! Every year for her birthday, my Mom and Aunts would cook her favorite Filipino food, bake her a cake, and host a family dinner for her. Her first PH (posthumous) bday, iPhone memories show my Mom and Aunts singing Happy Birthday to Lynn, Filipino food, and even a cake! To be honest, I forgot that we did that until just now! I remember becoming anxious wondering what to do as the day came. And, I think it was my Mom who suggested we hold her birthday dinner like we always do at my parent’s house. It was very matter of fact, practical, and a vibe of, “of COURSE that’s what we are going to do.” In the past 10 years, my Mom always remembered Lynn’s birthday date, and asked me ahead of time what I was going to do. She would always put her name in the Mass at her church on her birthday. As I am writing this, I realize why she ALWAYS remembered the date – it was part of HER tradition for years as well to honor Lynn. Maybe my Mom and Aunts also found comfort in continuing the tradition that first year.
More iPhone exploration… the second year, Lynn’s dog and I went on a hike thru the redwoods, and visited a specific tree that Lynn and I had designated a “memorial tree,” in honor of her mom. That evening, two friends and I had Lemon Drops and Tiramisu cake (Lynn’s faves). The following few years, I would plan weeks ahead of time to have a legit birthday party in honor of Lynn. The day would include a beautiful group hike, birthday cake, Lemon Drops, tons of food, laughs, revelry, games, and always lots of kiddos who loved Auntie Lynn. I counted the biggest gathering of 22 people in 2018, when we spent the day at the lake. We would sing “Happy Birthday” and party, and I do not remember it ever being a sad, painful day. I also felt incredibly held and enveloped by the love of my friends, as well as by Lynn.
2019 looked different… Lynn’s BFF and I had dinner together at a restaurant Lynn and I had wanted to go to, but could not afford. Looking at old texts, I see that friends who had celebrated previous years asked me what we would all be doing this year for Lynn’s bday! So sweet!!! I love that in the years of honoring her birthday posthumously, we had been creating new memories and traditions with each other, and with / for Lynn. Lynn’s BFF and I enjoyed Lynn’s preference of dessert first, and of course – Lemon Drops. “Dessert First” has become the theme when Lynn’s birthday comes around. We talked all about Lynn, what her thoughts would be in present day, etc. It felt very grounding.
2020 – ahhh the pandemic, and the new era of zooming! This allowed for a VERY awesome and unexpected way to celebrate our Lynn. I coordinated for Lynn’s BFF (we live a few blocks from each other) and I to get together, and zoom with Lynn’s other BFF (who lives in Atlanta), Lynn’s dad (who lives in Nashville), and Lynn’s brother and sister-in-law (who also live in Nashville). What a BLAST!!! We had our Lemon Drops in hand (I actually had a glass of Limoncello that Lynn had made years prior), and we toasted with each other, talked about how we missed Lynn, told legendary Lynn stories, and had a sweet family reunion catching up.
2021 and 2022 were again 1:1 intimate dinners with a friend enjoying Italian food (Cannolis first), and talking about the years that had passed since Lynn’s passing. It was different… it felt like I was taking up more space on the day than Lynn was, if that makes sense. It was a peaceful feeling. In years past, I would spend most or all the day doing something to honor Lynn’s birthday. In ’21 and ’22, other than the birthday meal, the rest of my day consisted of taking care of business, working, doing my own thing. Very different and strange! But again, I was at peace and not overthinking it.
2023 I was helping coordinate an event, which felt a bit blasphemous. At the very least, in the past year, I had reserved 4/22 to be open to whatever I might need or want to do. To have an obligation was unsettling. However, I ended up being just fine and enjoying myself. AND luckily, Lynn’s BFF came to the event, and we took the time to toast Lynn with of course, Lemon Drops.
Last year evolved even more… A close friend who joined those early years of celebrations asked what we were doing for Lynn’s bday. I loved it, because I had not planned anything, but it was very helpful and reassuring having someone prompt me, and letting me know they wanted to join me to honor the day. Fun fact: this friend has never met Lynn. We became friends AFTER Lynn passed, but she is often the first to ask what we are doing for Lynn’s birthday or Angelversary. 4/22/2024, she and I visited another friend who was bowling that night. The three of us toasted Lynn, then immediately gossiped about other very important topics.
On Lynn’s bday every year, I shared that video on Facebook, and I do enjoy the Happy Birthday comments to her, people missing her and remembering her. I especially love seeing Lynn’s family posting their own tributes, going out to dinner and toasting her, etc. The evolution of Lynn’s birthday date… Those early years, I needed to be surrounded by family and friends who would acknowledge the day with me. Perhaps I also needed to continue the custom of honoring that day. After all, I had celebrated that date in a very special way for 10 consecutive years with the Filipino family dinner, and then Lynn and I camping in Death Valley. It would have been yet another painful loss to abruptly stop “celebrating” that date. I also had a terrible fear that people would forget her, the essence of her, the impact of her. I think that celebrating her birthday every year normalized talking about her in a way that acknowledged she was physically “gone,” but that we could “easily” keep her presence among us. It never felt weird to hold a birthday party for a dead person… at least not to me. (I am going to ask my friends this week what they thought at the time.) My Filipino culture always keeps our ancestors among us, so planning these birthday activities and inviting people to join never felt odd to me. I also think that it helped us process the shock of Lynn’s sudden passing. It evolved from living with the feeling of shock of Lynn’s sudden physical absence, to learning how to maintain our individual relationships with Lynn. Perhaps this helped bring peace and acceptance around her sudden death. Regardless of how my friends may have felt, I NEVER got an iota of a vibe or POV that “Grace isn’t moving forward” as we celebrated. I am forever grateful for this! These years, I no longer feel the urgency to ensure people remember her. I know people will, in their own ways. I also observe how our individual and group relationships with Lynn has evolved. She is not someone who was part of our friend group and then died tragically, or something. She was the voice of reason with a Boston accent, and we still joke about what she would say or do now.
Current feeling: Lynn’s Birthday kind of feels like a special holiday to me that not everyone celebrates. It’s a holiday that I do not need to set all day aside for anymore, but I can if I want to. Or, I can celebrate it a few days later if that is more convenient. It’s a holiday some people and I share, and enjoy sending each other extra love and salutations on this day. It’s a holiday people will lovingly acknowledge your own honoring of it. It’s a holiday where I publicly remind people of Lynn’s legacy, encourage people to help others, and suggest they eat dessert first with their loved ones, because life is too short to do otherwise. It’s a holiday that I still privately mourn my own beautiful life that transitioned on December 3, 2014. This year, it’s a holiday where I am going to celebrate Lynn by treating myself to a massage, on a day after 4/22 when I can carve out a relaxing few hours. My sweet-taht Lynn, forever 50.
