Widow's Voice

Journaling through the Emotions

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http://widowsvoice.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/photo-1.jpgI’ve been going back over a lot of my old journal entries lately and picked one out to share a part of. For some years now I have been doing this inner-child dialogue technique… Basically having a conversation with that deepest, most vulnerable (and sometimes most wounded) part of myself by asking her questions and allowing her to share until I get to the real root of some emotions.

 

I know. It sounds WEIRD. And at first it felt really weird to do, but the results have always been profound at revealing some very deep emotions that I can never seem to get to so clearly any other way.

This entry was in Nov 2012, just a few months after he died:

 

“Inner Me: I’m so angry. SO ANGRY. Is it so much to fucking ask to just be able to fucking hear his VOICE again… telling me he loves me. Is it so much to ask?!

Me: I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You’ve already been through so much… I wish so badly I could take this away from you.

Inner Me: You should be sorry. you told me I was safe with him. you told me he’s not going anywhere, you told me I could trust him, I could relax and feel safe. Well fucking now look where I am.

Me: You’re right. of course you are mad at me, and at him. how could you not be. you’ve been totally betrayed.

Inner Me: Well, not totally. I mean, you’ve done a really good job of taking care of me through all this. You’ve made decisions for us that have made a HUGE difference and all. And… I know you are hurting too. I know there is now way anyone could have known this would happen. And I know, its not his fault either. I’m just so angry. I just want our old life back, you know?

Me: I know. God, so do I.”

 

This part of the dialogue stood out to me because I knew I was angry at the world and at sometimes even at Drew, but the notion that I was angry at myself was so shocking. I was floored that this part of me had felt so hurt and so unheard by me during all of this. 

 

Anytime I get to a really dark place with my emotions, start to isolate a lot or begin having those “what’s wrong with me?” feelings… I always use this exercise to get to the root of things. It’s been a while since I’ve done it though, I’m thinking tonight I may just do another to see where we stand a year later.

 

About Sarah Treanor and Mike Welker

Mike and Sarah are both widowed and are now in a new relationship together sharing about their experiences of living on with grief and new love.

Mike lost his wife Megan in 2014 due to complications from Cystic Fibrosis. Together they had a daughter, Shelby, whom you will hear of often from Mike and Sarah as she embarks on her teen years.

In contrast to the lifelong illness they dealt with, Sarah lost her fiance Drew suddenly in 2012. He was a helicopter pilot and died in a crash while working a contract job across the country.

What you'll read from Mike and Sarah will be both experiences from their current life and love as well as the past... "To us, it is all one big story, and one big family. Now being over 5 years since we lost our partners, the fresher wounds are healed, but there are still fears, triggers, sadness... and there is of course still profound love. Love for the two people who brought us together and for each other. With their love surrounding us, we continue living, learning, and loving on."

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