Perspective.

Do you ever have trouble getting your head around the fact that your person is not here? I pause when typing those words because what does “not here” even mean? Not here, even when I can call him up in my mind in a millisecond? Not here, when his footprints show up on the regular in the home we shared?

Still, as I ponder a photo that is equally surreal (entitled “a-solar-system-with-eight-planets-and-the-sun”) I cannot get my head around that either.

 

Where am I on this particular otherworldly map?

 

As I write, it’s been 1273 days, 30561 hours,1833692 minutes,110021528 seconds since my husband died. How do I even speak these numbers whose strange dance of movement is incorrect seconds after being typed? How do I keep track of time when it never stops moving?

I’m now 3 years, 5 months and 24 days out on my journey through grief.

 

Time to take stock?

 

• Through the ‘fear’ lens, I am doing better. In the beginning, fear stalked me day and night. Fear gives me a break now; keeps its distance, but still pops up when I am not expecting it.
• Through the ‘burden of carrying life alone’ lens, I’m a bit braver. A bit more resilient as I move toward the 4-year marker. I spend less time complaining about it; raging at it; although I believe strongly in saying “Ouch!!” without holding back.
• Through the ‘financial struggle’ lens (with help) I am definitely finding my footing.

I’ve weathered an itinerant racoon family; adolescent rebellion in an 80 pound canine; a short stint as land-lady, done poorly and then given up; a DIY course in my beloved’s garage; a change of religious affiliation after 71 years; and I’ve discovered the key to my Scion IM through a solution named “qualified, honest and kind mechanic.”

Throughout it all, I’ve learned that fear of future is not fact, time and discipline are powerful, and the unknown (although scary) can become known. A new confidence arrives that convinces me that I am capable of learning what I need to know to survive my own life.

 

In a world where heavenly bodies float about in space, perhaps anything is possible.

 

Things I need to remember:

1. Don’t spend too much time worrying about future: it is not yet written. Fear is not fact.
2. Complaining is fine…it helps…but it also steals energy. I begin to call that to mind before raging and then make my best choice.
3. In areas where I am not proficient, help is available if I am willing to learn. Humility helps.

 

I tell myself — keep going . . .

 

When it all feels like too much, take a nap.

I remind myself,

I am normal.

But I am walking through grief

into the life that awaits me.

A life I will build.

How shall I build it?

Who will I allow to help me?

What will it include?

 

 

No matter how cute, it will not include these. :))