“Fun” fact – Lynn and I never spent a Christmas together in the 10 years we were together on Earth. Her family lived in Tennessee, and mine lived in the same town we lived. We both had big families we were close to, with lots of nieces and nephews. We both wanted to spend the holiday with our own families, and neither of us would ever ask the other to give that up. I have no regrets, and I do not think she does either. Even though we never spent the actual day together, we still had our holiday traditions – finding and decorating the perfect tree with our plethora of ornaments, dressing up and taking pictures of our dog, taking my parents around to look at lights, etc etc etc. And she LOVED RomComs (Romantic Comedy movies), and had her list of must-see (often more than once) Holiday RomComs. I was NEVER into RomComs while she was alive, and I teased her mercilessly about her de-stress hobby. Whether hearing the movies in the background while I was doing something else in the house, or actually joining her to have a cozy movie night, I inevitably memorized nearly all the scenes of her fave holiday movies.
A year or two after she passed, I started watching RomComs as a way to posthumously make fun of her, and I ended up with a deeeeep obsession for Hallmark movies! No one is more surprised than I am about that, lol! It is so bittersweet trying to keep alive traditions when you become a widow. It’s confusing trying to figure out how to keep the same or adjust your holiday routines and traditions – because obviously, it is NEVER the same! It is a strange dichotomy feeling both close to them as you “keep alive” those memories, while simultaneously feeling their absence even deeper as you navigate the traditions “alone.” Watching her fave movies now make see feel more happy than not happy. They do feel more like a comforting friend or a cozy blanket, than a glaring sign of loss.
This is the second Christmas since my Mom passed, and the complete stop of so many Holiday traditions I had literally all my life is still a shock. I, of course, spent every single Christmas of my life with her, and I currently have no idea how to evolve from THAT routine yet… 11 years of widowhood has taught me that there is no timeline for when feelings shift and evolve, or when traditions or expectations begin feel less painful. And it has also taught me that, things WILL shift and begin to feel better. I believe every minute of healing and grieving is necessary, and actually IS my life evolving, whether it feels measurable or not. I am still reminding myself to be patient and keep breathing thru the hard moments, which tend to happen a lot during the holidays.
