Day of birth. A day to celebrate life, at least it use to be. The person I was prior to grief made a big fuss over birthdays. Now I only wish I could fast forward past the day all together. Escape the impending date somehow.

He would have turned 30.

 

I would have thrown a surprise party, filling our home with orange helium balloons, but more than that, fill his day with love.

How painful and unfair it is now that this day is no longer a celebration of life but rather a life lived…

 

The impending day is a punch in the gut and I feel sick at just the thought of it. There is nothing I can do to escape it as much as I try.

 

This week I am angry but at the same time I feel numb!

“I wanted to write exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty, and I could not have described it any better.”

 

I struggle to find the words to describe my emotions this week. I struggle to write about it at all. I guess that says a lot right there. 

 

Then this morning a quote popped up in my news feed that read “Write what should not be forgotten”

 

Life should not be forgotten.

Thoughts of his birthday last year flood my mind. The restaurant we went to for dinner that I will never go back to. The two hour drive to our destination eating MacDonald’s, lollies and listening to loud music in the car. The frustration that he couldn’t read a map. The conversations we lost ourselves in. The hotel we stayed at for a romantic weekend getaway. The seedy kebabs we ate on the side of the road at 3am because we drank too much. The smiles and laughter we shared watching intoxicated tourists stumble home. The silly photos we took. The quick clothing change in the car at the petrol station. The smile I wore watching arm wrestles at a family BBQ. The plate he licked clean because his legs were hollow. The pink shirt he wore so confidently. The mischief and shenanigans we got ourselves into. The pure happiness that was our life together.

 

These memories would normally make me smile and fill me with gratitude, but right now in this moment they only bring me pain. Because it’s so unfair that we don’t get to do it all again.

 

“Some people don’t know what they have until it’s gone”

 

“But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to hold on? Who lived and loved in the moment? Who lost the thing they loved the most.

Isn’t it so much worse for them?” Lang Leav

 

Defeated and numb is how I feel.