As we enter June, my mind starts to think about all things surrounding Father’s Day. It will be our third Father’s Day without Erik. Each year seems to get harder as the twins get older. They have always asked for daddy since Erik passed but they are now looking for more of an answer. The simple, he’s no longer here isn’t working as it used to. Now it’s, why is he not here? When is he coming back? And even as truthfully and age-appropriate as I formulate my answers, sometimes I still get a confused look back. Rightfully so. They are at that age where they are questioning much more, understanding more than they did when he first passed, but still not fully yet understanding death. I’ve noticed that they have been asking much more about Daddy when they see other kids with their dads as we are out and about. Like this past weekend when we were at Disneyland and Charlotte saw a dad with his kid and looked up at me and said, “Where’s daddy, mom? Where’s my daddy?” Each time snapping me back to the reality of Erik not being here as if I could even forget.
This day seems unavoidable. Not only for myself but for the twins. Their teacher already started asking me who they should make the Father’s Day arts and crafts for before we even hit June. My answer was their father. And it always will be. We still talk about him, we still visit his grave and I still try my hardest to keep his memory alive for the twins because I want them to remember him even though they were so young when he passed and give them the chance to get to know more about him through the memories I can share. All the talk around Father’s Day and dads all around us makes his absence even more apparent than it normally is. Today they both came up to me after school and asked me if they could go to Father’s Day. What they meant was the Father’s Day luncheon that their school was putting on. Then Charlotte followed that up with, “Can daddy come, mama?” Each time still a dagger to my heart. Because not only did I know this would never be possible as much as I wish it could be, but also the fact that I had to be the one, yet again to break the bad news that he could not go. And that he could not be there for them. But I would be. And sometimes that is a good enough answer for them and they move on to doing something else and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes all they want is Erik. And that is something I can’t give them. Something that will continue to be a disappointing answer I have to give them. But that is our reality and something I still very much struggle to find the words to express at times.
