Experiencing the Sacred Journey of Perimenopause is reminding me of when I began the Sacred Journey of Grief…
1) The FATIGUE… I’m a runner, used to do several half marathons a year. Since I began the Perimenopause, I suddenly get sooo tired – mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. In the middle of a regular, daily route, I find myself just stopping my run, out of the blue. Almost having an internal tantrum, I just don’t WANT to go another step, and I’m suddenly just TIRED. Soo frustrating. It reminds me of the first few months after Lynn passed. I could barely get out of bed before noon, much less feel motivated or have the energy to walk or run. Thank goodness for my dog, who I felt so bad he lost his fave Mama, that I pushed myself to walk him around the block. A few weeks after Lynn passed, I started taking him to walk around a nearby lake – a 2 mile walk we used to do daily after work as a family, sometimes twice. It took several weeks before I could walk around that lake due to fatigue. Several weeks of needing to sit on several benches along the route, to cry and gather some strength, then trying to walk a little more, before finally giving up and going home.
2) The APPETITE – OMG, my Perimenopause body is like inhabiting an alien body that constantly craves salt and red meat and junk food. This feeling of “lack of control” of my appetite feels eerily similar to when I had NO appetite when Lynn passed. At times, my friends would literally put a forkful of food in my mouth when I hadn’t touched the food on my plate for an hour. When people would ask (the dreaded), “How are you doing?” I would sometimes suggest they ask instead, “Did you eat today? Drink Water?”
3) The SLEEP DISRUPTION – It is hit or miss these days — I will go periods where I get an average of 4 hours per night. Then get a few nights of 8-9 hours of sleep. Doesn’t matter what I do / don’t eat, screens / no screens. Makes me think, hello again, “newly widowed Grace”. Especially in the first year, I was regularly waking up 2-3 times per night, anxious, partially remembering Lynn was gone, partially wondering where she was, definitely feeling like I was not in my body or fully in this world.
4) The BRAIN FOG – I used to pride myself on a my great memory. Welp, can’t claim that “strength” anymore. My mid-life brain can’t hold a… what was I writing about? Whatever, anyway. When newly widowed folks tell me their current and constant state of confusion and frustration, I talk about trying to just get thru the next few minutes… sometimes, only focusing on breathing thru the next few seconds. I am a very energetic, multi-tasking, get as much done as possible kind of person. I remember those early days when I would sit on my couch and literally feel paralyzed. My brain kept telling me to get up, go shower, get a drink of water, etc and my body just COULD. NOT. MOVE. I would stare at the clock in a daze, literally watching the the hands go round and round for hours, despite it feeling like only minutes were passing. I also felt like an observer of my own grief behavior, fascinated that our amazing human bodies knew to turn off part of our brain so that we could manage the current trauma.
5) The UNEXPECTEDNESS of it all (yes, that’s a real word). There are certain ages that felt like hitting a brick wall when they came. With Perimenopause, seemingly overnight— going for a long run feels like it has no effect on my weight; eating and exercising the way I ALWAYS HAVE suddenly makes me gain weight; I am still sleepy all day even if a had a GREAT night of sleep; my temper these days shocks even myself. I was the fun, relaxed, chill half of our relationship. Immediately after Lynn passed, I have consistently felt anxiety, an urgency of time, and a LACK OF A FILTER (which I call a Widow Superpower). Thank goodness my humor returned over time. But, in the most basic words, Lynn passing abruptly and unexpectedly changed who I am. Perimenopause and grief…I am experiencing both these sacred journeys, through no doing of my own.
6) The change in how I LOOK. I am still trying to understand and make friends with my Perimenopause body. Yes, there are the weight changes, but the changes to one’s skin, hair, etc. I am “forced” to “lean into it,” and learn what the “current Grace’s body” needs, responds to, etc. I am trying not to be shocked when I look in the mirror, even though it seems like I look different day to day. It is making me remember when Lynn passed, how I was suddenly a “different Grace.” I felt like an alien that still looked like “the previous Grace” on the outside (except for the rapid weight loss). I felt a need to change how I looked on the outside, so that people would stop looking at me like I had not changed. I cut my hair quite short, and it totally felt right. Hmmm… Maybe, whether there were any outward changes due to perimenopause, I would STILL feel different inside, as a changing, wiser (?), mid-life person. MAYBE, nature is doing me a favor, changing how I look on the outside, as it ushers me into the next chapter… nahhhh.
7) The LACK OF PATIENCE for nonsense!!! Geeez, I had thought the sudden impatience for rubbish when Lynn passed was extreme. The irritation with malarkey as a Perimenopausal woman is a colorful “Auntie” to my earlier impatience. When Lynn passed, I remember yelling at people on the road, and crying when I could not explain my thoughts to someone in a way they could understand (of course, my original way of saying that would be – when people could not freaking understand what I was saying! Grrr). Now, just a hint of baloney from someone, and I need to REALLY focus on watching what I say, and try to be my higher self. (BTW, yay the thesaurus for synonyms to the word I would actually use instead of nonsense…)
8) And lastly, and possibly the most important, FINDING MY VILLAGE. It has made all the difference going through both these Sacred Journeys with community — the Widowed / Perimenopausal people whom I trust and love, who “get it,” who commiserate and relate, who articulate their journey in a way that makes me feel seen and safe to share my experiences. The people who NORMALIZE with me the insecurity, confusion, frustration, etc when one goes through Perimenopause or Widowhood. My fam that I can make “inappropriate” jokes with about these experiences, jokes that those not on the journey would find crass or blasphemous. They make me feel like we are Warriors. Together, we will not only survive this journey, but we’ll TALK about it, and we’ll ROCK it, and we’ll get stronger with each step we take.
