A repost! Greetings from Europe…join me next week to read about some of my adventures traveling with the twins for the last two weeks!
Yesterday Charlotte took me by surprise. As we were getting ready for a birthday party I had said something to her about pooping and out of nowhere and just randomly she responds to me by saying, “Well, my daddy is dead”. It stopped me right in my tracks. First, anytime I hear Daddy in our household I still get a pit in my stomach and it always drops. Second, I did not even realize she knew the word dead…and I definitely didn’t know if she knew what it truly meant. So there I stood with my mouth open taken back by what she just said. The pit in my stomach grew as I walked her to the couch to start a conversation. I asked her again what she said. And again those words were repeated back to me, “My daddy is dead”. I sat there for a second, still at a loss for words, and before I could even formulate a response she asked me, “Why?” I again was taken back. This time it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Again I heard her repeat her question, “Why, mama? Why is he dead?” The only response I could come up with was “Daddy isn’t here anymore baby girl.” Again, “But why mama?” Without being able to come up with a better response I said, “Because he’s gone babe, he’s not here anymore.” And in this moment she looked me right in the eyes and said, “Well maybe later he can come back?” And there was that second gut punch. The tears started flowing and I just didn’t know what to say anymore. I looked at her and saw the smile on her face with the innocence of believing that her Daddy could come back any day now. That desire I know all too well. The wish I make every night as I go to bed thinking maybe this is all just a bad dream and when I wake in the morning Erik will be right there next to me. If only. As tears roll down my face I come to terms with the reality that I will have to be the one to shatter that smile on my daughter’s face. I will be the one who will have to break the news to our kids over and over again as they continue to grow until they truly understand that Daddy can never come back. So I wiped my tears and looked her back in the eyes and said, “No. Daddy can’t come back later baby. Daddy is gone and he can’t come back.” “Is Daddy in the sky Mommy? Why can’t he come?” So I told her, “Daddy is in your heart. He is in Wyatt’s heart and he is in my heart. He will always be in our hearts.” But being a 4-year-old she didn’t quite grasp the concept yet. So she responded to me by asking if we could go on a plane. She still thinks that Daddy is in the sky. That he’s somewhere in the clouds. When we were on a plane back in June, Charlotte was sitting in the window seat. As we were flying up she saw clouds and immediately held her hand to the window and said, “Mommy, it’s clouds! Daddy is in the clouds! Mama, daddy is in the clouds. Where is daddy, mom? Can we go see daddy? We are in the clouds. Where is daddy?”
As I sat there on the couch still at a loss for words, she said to me, “Mama, we go on a plane okay? We go to the clouds again and see Daddy.” And she shook her head up and down as if it was a matter of fact as if it was as simple as flying up to the sky and being able to see her daddy again. “Okay!” she said and she hugged me and walked away to play with her toys. And I sat there. Still at a loss for words. Still at a loss for this reality that was not just mine, but our kids. A reality none of us asked for. And it breaks my heart. It broke my heart having that conversation with Charlotte. It breaks my heart every time I hear them talking about Daddy, knowing that he is gone forever. It breaks my heart to see how much Wyatt wants to be like Erik and how much Wyatt looks up to him even though he’s no longer here. Anytime Wyatt does something he asks if daddy did that too. And the smile he gets on his face when I tell him yes breaks my heart. I can see that yearning he has to connect with his dad and that desire he has to know Erik. It breaks my heart that they have to grow up without their daddy. It breaks my heart that Erik will miss out on the lives of these amazing souls that we created. And as much as I talk about Erik and tell them about their daddy it could never replace his presence. And that, that breaks my heart the most.
