I am currently in the Philippines, visiting with family for the holidays. We are from a small mountain town, where both my parents’ families have lived for generations. My Mom, who passed away 2.5 years ago, is here in our family mausoleum. Even when I was a child visiting “home,” going to the cemetery was always the first stop. I could observe the deep feels my parents and other older relatives had visiting the graves / crypts / family mausoleums. Being young, i of course just took it in without thinking much about it, other than, oh – this is how we naturally respond  and feels when visiting cemeteries, and visiting the places of burial of our deceased loved ones is a priority. 

Reflecting on what I observed in my older relatives’ demeanors, and how that may reflect in my own, I feel it is a mix of different feelings. The initial feeling, for me and maybe others, is a sense of relief. The kind of relief you have when you have been away from someone who gave / gives you comfort and safety, and you are reunited. It is joyous, while simultaneously reminding you of the time and distance that separated you. Because I can only visit my Mom’s “place” when I travel to the Philippines, my second feeling is something like… a 5 year old who got picked up late from school… Like, after a certain amount of time not visiting her “place,” when I do finally make it, there is a “whoosh” of “Wow, it has been soooo long.” If she were in the same town I live, I could visit as often as I like. Going to see her the other day for the first time in 1+ years, it put me back to the last time I was there, and I had to take some moments to recalibrate and recognize that 1+ years had actually passed. The third feeling is, of course, that bittersweet wave of remembering they were “GONE.” (Everyone can relate to those waves, no need to describe…)

I WILL say, despite my Mom and I together purchasing individual burial plots near each other in the cemetery in our town in Northern CA, I am glad that her fate resulted in her unexpectedly passing away in the Philippines 2.5 years ago when we were on a family vacation. I am soooo glad (and I KNOW she is too) that she is with her family in the mausoleum, AND that she is visited daily by relatives. I LOVE that in the Philippines, visiting the cemetery is a normal part of daily life. Every time I go, there are kids playing basketball at the entrance, there are folks congregated either chatting or praying. 

Usually when I visit the Philippines, it is like a pause in life, a true vacation. But, I am feeling the closing of a chapter and starting of a new chapter. Life is shifting. AND, as Lynn and my relationships evolved after she passed, I feel my relationship with my Mom naturally evolving as well. I am still learning, and getting “better” every day, with knowing they are in my heart, and that home is a feeling more than a place.