Which part of me do I trust?

 

This is me in grief’s low spaces.

Grief stricken.

Broken.

Vulnerable to pain.

Feeling useless.

What good is a broken bridge?

Can I trust the broken parts of me?

 

 

 

This is me in grief’s growing places.

Evidence of my brokenness is visible.

Yet

I am

mending.

Healing.

Tuning into the beauty around me, in spite of my brokenness.

Can I trust the healing parts of me?

 

Which me do I trust?

I trust the me that is taking small steps on my personal path of grief.

Intuition, a long time friend, was untrustworthy in the past three and a half years. When Dan left, I thought my intuition would serve me well. But it felt more like a broken-down bridge than a strong advocate.

In 2022, I tattooed a compass on my right upper arm as a symbol of how intuition carried me all the way to sixty-five years. Intuition has been part of my survival system for as long as I can remember. At important crossroads in my life, I felt a stop sign or a go sign; a strong sense of safety, or danger, as I discerned actions or decisions. I counted on it.

After Dan died, static took over the pathways on which my intuition traveled. I no longer trusted myself. Instinct did not feel safe in the first couple of years of grief.  The world felt more dangerous without my person.

Traveling the path of grief, at three and a half years out, my intuition is making a comeback. Like the second bridge, healing is in process. I am learning to pause to call on it intentionally. To begin again to pay close attention to the tiny, quiet voice within.

 

This may just be the work of grief.

Following the inner trail of feelings, instincts, and intuition, be gentle with your wounded self. Find like-minded companions along the way and allow laughter and fun to enter your life. Along the way, you’ll learn compassion for self and others.

Ask for help if you feel lost, or unsure. Yes, it’s hard at first, but it gets easier when you practice. Be careful to trust only those who show themselves to be trustworthy; take it slow.

Take small steps toward healing. Say “ouch!” when it hurts and allow tears to bring relief and release.

Allow yourself to be amazed by you.

Begin.

Discover.

Keep going.

Repeat.