Sometimes the missing can be so big. No specific triggers. Just all the feels. And the only thing to do is to lean into it. Cry. Oh boy, you can cry. Take a walk … or take a nap. Write it all out. Even the ugly unspeakable things. Or maybe just sit with the silence. There’s no right way. Just OUR way. And we do know that this will pass. The light will shine again and the lovely memories will fill the void.

Ah, but the silence. That is often my trigger.

I’m an introvert … so I do like silence. Sometimes. When I choose it. But the big empty hole of silence that seems to fill so many of my days just feeds the missing. The thoughts of what I thought my life would be like at 75. This is not it. But this is what I have. So I need to put those big girl panties back on and put some effort into making this a life I can live with. Even a life I can love. I did that after Vern died. Eventually. I know I can do it again.

Now I’ll admit I did have some fun this past week …

Sheila and I were invited to join my son and his fiancé on Saturday. She goes all out for Halloween and we sure had some fun with it this year. She created a Price is Right scene and was one of the models who show off the prizes. My son served as the announcer, as he encouraged the kids to ‘Come on Down’! They had a Plinko game set up for the kids to play and earn their prize. She even received a Halloween Décor Award for the Most Interactive and Imaginative display in the neighborhood. I wore Jim’s Cat in the Hat costume with Sheila wearing my Thing 2 shirt from Halloween 2022. Thunder and lightning was all around us, but the rain held off. And when we saw the news reports the next morning we realized how very lucky we were that that storm didn’t hit our neighborhood. Heavy rain, flooding, wind and even hail!

I do have a few things coming up on my November calendar that I know I will enjoy. A special wedding. A neighborhood lunch. Dinner with friends who have returned after spending the summer in Indiana. Lunch with former co-workers. A town Bunco fundraising event. Elf Broadway show. So just writing those things out reminds me that these hard feelings are just part of the ups and downs of life and a bit of joy can – and will – return.

Sheila did pass her ‘tests’ and is all set to board with other dogs while I’m in Sacramento. The staff suggested I get CBD oil for her stay because she seemed anxious and didn’t interact much with the other dogs. I explained that she’s always preferred people to dogs, but I have spoiled her since her dad died so she does like to be with me. I know they just want her to enjoy her stay, so I bought some of that oil for them to use if needed. They assured me it won’t make her ‘high’.

Apparently this hip/knee/leg pain I’ve been living with since my trip to Calgary is Piriformis Syndrome, involving the sciatic nerve. I do not recommend it. I think it may be related to that hard fall I took down the stairs last Christmas – the one that left a big dent in my butt cheek – because that’s one of the spots that hurts like the devil. I’ve been taking Tylenol for the pain but was concerned about doing that every day so I started using a CBD balm I had purchased for Jim’s pain and that helped a bit. I’m also doing some specific stretching exercises and using ice packs and that does help. Sitting aggravates it, so I really feel it when I get out of the car after driving the hour into Vegas. I’ll probably feel it after sitting on the plane. It would be really easy to get depressed about this but I’m trying very hard to stay active and hope I’ll get back to whatever my ‘normal’ is soon.