This past week I had the privilege of attending one of my best friend’s wedding. Although I had anticipated the feelings that would accompany going to another wedding without Erik, I wasn’t quite prepared for what I felt those five days. As always, leaving the twins is always hard. The anxiety set in as I started packing for the trip. The anxiety of not only that I would be away from them, but the anxiety of being the last parent standing. It’s something I constantly worry about in the back of my mind, but always becomes a stronger feeling whenever I have to be away from them for an extended period of time. It always hits me as I text certain family members to remind them I’m out of town and that they are the emergency contact. Or when I have to prep for being on a plane that is more than just a few hours and making arrangements in case I couldn’t be reached. Those little checks off my list I have to do each time always remind me of the life that I am now in. It had been a while since I’d taken a trip without them. It was also a wedding Erik and I were excited about way before he passed. All the emotions swirling together as I prepped to handle yet another event without my person.

I finally had time to breathe as I was on my way to the airport. Then it hit me. I didn’t realize until that moment that it was going to be my first destination wedding without Erik, and also alone. All the weddings I had attended after Erik passed had always been with a friend or family member. As the thought sunk deeper into my mind I decided to just push it away. I was already too anxious about leaving the twins for so long that I didn’t want to be more anxious with this realization. So there it sat, in the back of my head as I tried to distract myself with anything else but the thought of how hard this unknown first would be.

As the trip progressed I ran into many old friends that I hadn’t seen in years. It was so great catching up but also so hard when Erik was brought up. It was as if I was reliving those first couple of months of those very fresh feelings of Erik’s passing. The re-learning of being alone. The emptiness of the room I headed back to. The desire to have him by my side. Those feelings that I push down day to day as I focus on being strong for the twins all came rushing to me those five days I was away for the wedding. It was the re-realization that this road I now walked was solo and that has stuck with me since I’ve been back. A feeling that is hard to shake. A feeling I still knew all too well yet felt as fresh as the first moment I closed that casket.