Lynn and I met a year before we were officially a couple. For a year, we steadily became closer friends. (Honestly, I was secretly dating her for that year, but she didn’t know it…) Lynn bought a brand new, Silver, 2005 Toyota Scion xA that year. Her Golden Retriever had passed away shortly before she bought the Scion, and Lynn expressed feeling sad that her new car would never have her Tash’s dog hair or energy. She always wished that it wasn’t silver, and that it could be more exciting and colorful. That first month she bought it, she and I parked it under a streetlight late one evening, and somehow installed a kayak rack on her roof. Our growing friendship was fraught with adventures. A couple of times a week, she would load up her kayak, pick me up, and we would spend the day at the river. I would rent a kayak from a store on the river, where the staff came to recognize us as regulars, and probably “knew” what was developing between us. Her Silver Scion was our adventure mobile, and we spent so many hours driving all over our county, talking and talking and talking, so much hiking and adventuring. Looking back, we just wanted to spend time together “as friends” and needed the excuse of “Hey, you want to go do xyz?” We were inseparable for 10 years, as friends and then as a couple.
Lynn adopted her dog Bailey during this time, and Bailey was always included in our adventures. He made his mark by immediately chewing the front passenger seat belt. While it still worked, it was a pain in the butt getting the buckle over the part he chewed up. One of my favorite memories from our “just friends” phase, was parking her car on the outskirts of town so we could sit on the hood and watch a lunar eclipse.
When we FINALLY became a couple, we spent even MORE time together in the Scion (why did we never name it?!). And of course, now that we were a couple, we adventured out of town on many road trips. Lots of camping and LOTS of trips to Death Valley and Southern California. We saved up our REI gift cards and bought a double kayak, and we loaded that up in the back with Bailey, and checked out more places to kayak. We are both short, so when need be, we could take naps semi – comfortably in the back with all the seats down.
When she passed in 2014, I had both our vehicles, which were both paid off. Mine was an old gas guzzler, so I usually drove her Scion. I felt her energy and OUR energy in that lil car, and it felt like home, though with a very strong absence. The CD player stopped working, and I got a little boombox and buckled it in the passenger seat. That made me feel like a teenager again. Almost a year after she passed, I decided it was time for a new car for myself. The Scion was SUPER loud on the inside, and I was worried about it’s reliability if I were to drive it to the City (San Francisco, about an hour away). I was still in my exhausted-I-don’t-care-and-I-can’t-make-any-decisions mindset ,and I kinda took whatever they had at the car lot. It was a 2015 Honda Fit – brrrright YELLOW, with some comfy bells and whistles. It felt like starting a new phase when I started driving the Fit, like starting a new version of myself. Driving her Scion was a good transition, it wrapped me in love and comfort, until I was semi-comfortable driving without Lynn in the car. I came to realize the significance of the Fit. It pushed me, gently and comfortably with heated seats, towards my next self. The Fit reflected widow Grace, “physically-solo-without-Lynn-in-this-world Grace.” I did not realize I needed this change, and I would NOT have been ready for it any earlier. Driving that Fit, I felt… different, ready, like I was growing more into myself and my present. I was definitely not ready for the “future” yet, but the Fit helped me get more present.
The topic many of us widows have agonized over and (hopefully) talked to each other about – what to do with our partners’ cars??? I gave it to my parents. It was perfect. My dad is the driver, and they had a 1993 (?) Toyota Previa minivan. It was rather large for my 77ish year old parents. The Scion was perfect for them, easy for my short Mom to get in and out of, easy for my Pop to drive, and they only drove locally (though my Mom often had trouble with the Bailey-chewed-seatbelt). Lynn and I bought our home partly because it was only 8 blocks from my parent’s home, and we were at their house frequently. After she passed, it was a comfort to still see Lynn’s car there, though my Pop had removed her beloved kayak rack and her “Evolve” sticker. Sigh. My Parents would drop by my house several times weekly to drop off food (Filipino parents, they can’t help it). If I was home when they dropped by, it was a bit startling at first to see the Scion pulling up to the curb. It quickly became familiar and expected, and over the years, I came to associate seeing the Scion more with my parents arrival, and less of Lynn’s arrival. However, when I get in the Scion, it is completely still Lynn’s car to me. And, it is still OUR car to me, our early days of friendship, and subsequently our entire Earthly relationship. My Pop would visit the Philippines annually, and would often stay for a month or more. Many times when he was away, a friend of mine would be in need of a car, and they would borrow Lynn’s Scion for a week or more. Her Scion became a symbol of a support net, a reliable friend.
My Mom passed in the Summer of 2023, and we sold my parents home of 50 years in December of 2024. My Pop moved to the Philippines permanently. Lynn’s Scion is back at my / our house, parked again on the curb, like it was from 2012 – 2015. The last friend who borrowed it just a few months ago, a passionate community activist, said she was feeling Lynn’s energy and talking with her. (They had never actually met.) The friend who borrowed it before her was going thru a divorce, and she and her ex had one car they shared. Using the Scion helped relieve a lot of stress and friction.
My Pop was visiting and staying with me for the past couple weeks. When we pulled up to my house, he immediately said, “There’s my Scion!” He had been staying at a relatives home before coming to my house, and he was missing the independence of driving his own car and knowing his surroundings. He enjoyed once again being able to drive to his favorite places and run his own errands. When my current car is in the shop, I drive the Scion and it is sooo loud and cozy, and also nostalgic and like a time capsule of only very happy memories. It greatly reminds me of my Mom, whose pillow that she sat on is still placed on the passenger seat. It also of course makes me miss Lynn AND Bailey even more, but I am grateful for the visit to the past – it is worth the bittersweetness. I wonder if this Scion has new adventures in her… maybe it’s time for a renewed relationship for the two of us, and time for new stickers!!!
