The Container

Part 2 of a series focusing on the benefits of a protected deep listening experience.

It’s interesting which memories last the test of time in my brain. They are most often “stories” whose meanings remain current years later. This one lives in me from nearly 50 years ago.

 

The concept of safe containers.

 

As an elementary school mom, I represented our school at a mental health conference that became a significant milestone for me. One speaker’s experience still impacts me, these many years later. It was a woman sharing about losing both her parents in a plane crash. Being an only child, she lost her nuclear family in an instant. Her talk focused on her inability to process her loss in therapy due to overwhelming fear that paralyzed her. She was unable to act.

With a compassionate therapist as her guide, she uncovered the belief that paralyzed her. She feared that if she felt or spoke about her feelings that she’d be imprisoned by them. If she allowed her tears to flow, she believed she would never be able to stop.

The speaker’s own words come to me easily:

“I could not face the overwhelming feelings that were haunting me…ever daunting….messy…how am I ever going to live again? I could not go to therapy, leave there and return to work. I was a mess. It got to where I put all my energy into NOT feeling anything as that seemed the best way to function in the world. But I was miserable.

After what seemed ages, I finally found a way to approach it that has made all the difference. I began to view the therapist meeting as a “container”. When I arrived at her office, I stepped into the container. I was able to do the work there when I framed the space as a place I could step into and then step out of when we finished. This allowed me to fully give myself to the work while in that room and to step out into normal life afterward. I left the strong processing of feelings in the container and when I stepped out, I got a break from the intensity. The key seemed to be “leaving the mess there, taking a break, and then returning to complete more work the next week.”

 

Research across many therapeutic approaches proves that identifying and describing feelings in a protected, non-interrupted space without cross-talk has distinct and well-documented value.

 

Recently, I started an experimental small group of widowed people called a Deeper Dive. It felt like coming home to offer the five members the opportunity to experience a protected deep listening experience.

Here’s what we’re finding so far in our experimental group:

• Members report feeling seen and heard.
• Verbalizing emotions is a learning experience, as is naming feelings. After three meetings these seem to be coming easier.
• Several mentioned that having time to speak without interruptions or advice feels freeing.
• We formalized the stepping in and out by having 15 minutes regular talk in the beginning and 15 minutes at the end. The in-between time is our protected listening with gentle guidance about our agreement as needed.

We create protected space through agreement. Each person enters, reflects, and then steps out of the safe space and returns to the casual informality of everyday life.

 

You might wonder . . .

Why name feelings?

Why describe them?

 

Next week, we’ll talk about feelings :))

See you then . . .