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The Introvert in Grief

Posted on: June 1, 2022 | Posted by: Kathie Neff

An Underground River of Loneliness

Courtesy of Mike Meyers via unsplash.com

A yellow phone similar to this one – the wall version – hung in my kitchen for more than twenty years. In the age of invention, the wall model could be fitted with an extra long cord that stretched through the doorway allowing dish washing, eyes on kids, and baby wrangling—all while in conversation.

Conversation – Communication – Connection

Knowing myself has been a lifelong project. If asked, I would say that I am in tune with what I am feeling; in the land of grief, not so much.

Grief continually surprises me.

Last week I replied to a text from a friend and then, thinking she was at home, I decided to call her.

Admittedly, I am a regular whiner about the delays in technological conversations via text, WhatsApp, and other cell phone options. More than just preferring, I often “long for” the sound of the human voice and the artful dance of back and forth in “real” conversations.

Between the time of her message and my reply she picked up another call and was unable to answer.

I was surprised at a feeling of resentment that rose up in me. After texting her the information that I was going to relay by voice I added, “You never answer your phone.”

The words had a hard edge that surprised me. I was not consciously aware of feelings running beneath the surface. Why am I asleep to my needs?

She called me back, expressing some friendly irritation that is part of the banter of our normal way of being. During our conversation I awakened.

I think I’m lonely.

How is it that I did not recognize the funky feelings surrounding me as loneliness?

Dan Neff was an extrovert in spades. When he needed to renew himself he needed a crowd; the energy of people filled him up. Conversely, when depleted, I need to be alone.

Have I lost touch with who I am?

Who am I?

The conversation was pure gift.

Voice in real time

Response

Clarification

Silence

Laughter

all the ingredients of real-time conversation were like medicine for my soul.

 

Grief humbles me.

Grief has its own glasses.

Grief adds a new layer for me to tune into my life.

Grief is the underground river that presses at the banks of my life, pouring beyond the boundaries I put up in order to live.

 

The poet’s voice brings me back to center.

Hidden hands come to soothe.

May its medicine refresh all who arrive to this page.

Keep going.

 

BEANNACHT

—On the day when

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.

—And when your eyes

freeze behind

the gray window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colors,

indigo, red, green

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.

—When the canvas frays

in the curach of thought

and a strain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

—May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

—And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

Beannacht by John O’Donohue

Categories: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions

About Kathie Neff

Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.

Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.

Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.

Long live love. XO

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