Spent a lot of time this week reminiscing … reading the old blog I started right after Vern died, looking through photos of special times I had with Jim and with Vern, and beginning to write in a new personal blog for this time in my life after losing Jim.

 

I am so very lucky to have loved – and been loved – by these two remarkable men.

But now I’m living without either of them.

 

While it may seem I’m an open book by writing in these blogs, and that I’m sharing everything about this life of mine and what I’m feeling … I am not. I cannot. To be truthful, I’ve never been able to open up and share all of my true feelings. I tend to defer conversations to those I’m with and encourage them to share. And I guess at this point in my life, I’m not going to change.

So while I can write about some of these feelings in my blog posts … I need to find a way to release the bigger feelings and fears in a private journal. To write out all of the ugly. Just for me. Sounds easy enough….

But I have so many empty journals. Some with pretty covers, some with inside pages that have quotes and drawings, some just plain old composition books. But I haven’t been able to get into a regular habit of journaling. I start. And then I stop. The curse of perfectionism? Perhaps. Even though that surely doesn’t make any sense if I’m just writing for me.

Since I had a week with no appointments, nothing I needed to do (other than giving Sheila the attention she demands), I decided to spend some time searching for something, anything, that might help me with this.

My Facebook algorithm (and apparently that always listening AI) started dropping ads that seemed to be offering some potential answers. So I looked at a few, signed up for some free offerings, and learned some new things.

• The body holds our stories and how we can release them
• Start each day with movement
• Prompts for writing a legacy love letter
• Having Joy and Celebration as a practice, even during the hard days
• Grief can settle in our chest, throat, gut
• Self compassion; write a note to yourself (prompts were given)

I also checked out the Newly Widowed Virtual Program video replays on the Soaring Spirits website to see if I might find something there to help me work through some of this. And I did.

The first video I watched was Elizabeth Kleinfeld’s Therapeutic Journaling, which allows you to notice patterns … what triggers the specific emotions.

Next was The Physicality of Grief with Tami Wantola and that helped me realize that some of the physical things I’m experiencing aren’t necessarily due to aging, as I had assumed, but rather a biological response to trauma.

As I was scanning all of the available videos I was surprised to see one with my name! I had forgotten all about doing one on Creative Expressions back in 2021. Well now I need to take some of my own advice. I still have a ton of art supplies from my Brave Girl days when I was holding retreats and classes. Guess it’s time to use some of them now to help me get back on track again.

I feel I have some tools now to use. I think combining the creative expressions along with the journaling and body work may just be what works for me to keep up with it on a daily basis.

If you’re in your first year after loss, be sure to check out the Newly Widowed Program on the Soaring Spirits website. They have a live Zoom session every Tuesday at 3pm Pacific. The video replays are available to all, regardless of time since loss, but you’ll need to join Widowed Village to view them (it’s free). https://soaringspirits.org/programs/newly-widowed/