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Slightly Lighter

Posted on: December 27, 2022 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Image by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

I survived another Christmas Day. Woohoo!
I survived yet another Christmas Day.
I am impressed.

And of all of the above words, the word “survived” is the one that least fits. Because, for the first time in 9 Christmases, it didn’t feel like “survival”. It wasn’t exactly singing and dancing, nor was it fun and giggles and laughter. No. It wasn’t easy. But it wasn’t as hard. I didn’t have to grin and bear it from beginning to end. I didn’t have to grit my teeth. I didn’t have to “woman up”. It was surprisingly o k a y.

Which in and of itself is quite amazing.

Over three years now, and no too-close-to-me deaths.

And no-one sharing shockingly devastating news about stage four cancer – (Don in December 2014); no-one terribly, terribly ill, and end-of-life (Edward in 2015), no-one confined to the bedroom, so sick with chemo he cannot make it to any of the Christmas “celebrations” (Mike in 2016), no-one so depressed that she can barely emerge from her room, (Julia in 2018)…. Not to mention the “gap years” of 2017 when Mike had died, or 2019 when Julia had died. Not to mention either the COVID years of 2020 or 2021. None of that.

No death.
No dying.
No chemo.
No depression.
No shockingly recent Grief.
No COVID-disruption. (Though Megan made a pretty good attempt, seemingly coming home with COVID in her nostrils. But perhaps it was just a false positive. It disappeared within 48 hours anyway. In time for Christmas Day).

All in all, no Drama. No Massive Shockers. No Additional Trauma.
Altogether Lighter.

Thank you, Christmas Angels.
Thank you, Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Turkey (local, had a happy life running around in fields above where I live. Honest).
Thank you, Life.
And thank you, Grief, for being there, though not so entirely all-consumingly, all-encompassingly.

La vita continua. E va bene così.

 

 

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Holidays, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

About Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British and now recently also French (because of Brexit), and I have lived in France for the past 21 years. I am 55 and sometimes feel to be an “older widow”, and yet I feel so young. I lost my best male friend Don to bowel cancer in September 2015, my brother Edward to glioblastoma in January 2016, my husband Mike to pancreatic cancer in April 2017, and my sweet youngest child, Julia, to grief-related suicide, in July 2019. And I met a new love (let’s call him Medjool, after my favourite kind of date), off one single meeting on a dating website. Our relationship has exploded into blossom as of June 2019.

I am widowed and I am in a new relationship. I have lost a best friend, a sweet brother, a beloved husband and a precious child, and I still have both parents who are alive and well. I live my days with my grief wrapped in love and my love wrapped in grief. I no longer even try to make sense of anything. I just hope to keep on loving and living for as long as I can, while grieving the losses of loves that are no longer breathing by my side.

I suspect my writing here will be a complex mish-mash of love and sorrow. I also write on http://www.widowingemptynests.com/.

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