Widow's Voice

Remembering the fun.

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Sometimes I get so caught up in the sadness, shock, and trauma of Boris’s death that I forget how much fun we had. The memories that flood my brain are often of fights or things I should have said or should have done differently. Regret and “what ifs” are common. And, I think because of that, I miss out on those good memories of all the exciting things we did and all the laughs we shared. He was a really funny person and could make me laugh like no one else. It feels good to remember those laughs. It feels good to remember that we had something good. It was something complicated and it had dark moments and things I wish so much I could change, but we did have fun. We had so much fun together! We had joy-filled times and we did things that filled me with excitement and anticipation. I had butterflies! He made me laugh until I cried and he made everyone around us laugh. I want to hold onto those moments of joy and laughter forever. 

Some memories that came to me recently…

  • One time we went to this fancy restaurant for Valentine’s Day, which was out of the ordinary for us, and after we left we both regretfully mentioned how hungry we still were, so we ended up meeting our two friends at Krystal afterward. 
  • One time on the way to a friend’s wedding we had to stop at an Old Navy for him to buy pants that fit and he changed in the front seat of the moving car with 3 other women in the car with us. 
  • There was this game we played where you had to work as a team before a “bomb” went off…it was really intense! But we played it for hours and hours. He was so into it, and though it was super frustrating, it was also full of laughter. 
  • One time some of our guy friends planned a “guys night” to go bowling, but Boris hated anything that was gendered or separated in any way, so he invited our friend Meghan without mentioning it to anyone. So, Meghan showed up and wondered why none of the “girls” were there…and then realized what Boris had done. She enjoyed the evening with the guys anyway, but everyone gave him a hard time for it for a while. 
  • We loved quoting movies to each other…mostly Baby Mama, The Hangover, Dude Where’s My Car?, Super Troopers, and Bridesmaids. We could always make each other laugh with those and they were just part of our regular conversation.

There are so many more…and some things once I began typing them out I realized that they would make no sense to anyone else if I tried to explain them, which makes those even more special I think…those moments or inside jokes that only we would understand.

I miss his goofy grin, his humor, and the fun we shared. Forever I will miss it.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.