It can be so bittersweet when a “remembering” pops into my brain unexpectedly. A “remembering” is when I randomly remember something about Lynn – something she loved, hated, a place she had visited, a topic she loved to talk about, etc. It can feel like being hit with a burst of inspiration or happiness, only to be followed by a slap of sadness. “Remembering moments” can come and go in a flash, or can weigh on my heart and mind for the rest of the day. Sometimes I don’t even realize my heart and subconscious had a “remembering moment, and I wonder why I am feeling melancholy.
I look at the moon almost every night, and I look at it as the end of another day and a lovely transition into the evening. Every few months, I will notice it is a crescent moon, and I will have a “remembering moment” of Lynn loving the moon when it was in this phase. She would always say, “It’s just a slivuh! (she was saying “sliver” but she had a thick Boston accent, lol) It looks just like a potato chip!!!”
Knowing what Lynn’s favorite moon phase is one of the things that made me “her person,” and vice versa. We all have a million of these random, quirky things we know about our late partners that made them our person, and made us their person. Hearing her excitedly say, “The moon is just a slivuh!!!” with surprise almost every single month for 10 years was added to my soundtrack of our relationship. I smiled, rolled my eyes endearingly, and knew I would hear her say it again – with the same surprise – in a couple weeks. (Once when waning and one when waxing each month.) In the years right after Lynn passed, I would ALWAYS notice the crescent moons, have the sad feelings for awhile, and it would be a painful reminder that Lynn was gone. These days, I do not always remember it as her favorite moon every time I see it as a crescent… and when I do remember, then I have a bittersweet feeling that I DON’T remember every time! Oy vey!
I do worry about forgetting more and more of these tidbits over time. I am glad I don’t feel devastated (not that often, anyway) when I have remembering moments. Now the feelings that accompany them are wishing I had appreciated them more. There are storied Lynn had told me more than once, and I remember having listened with one ear. Now I wish I had paid more attention and asked questions. (One story that comes to mind is the several times she spoke about visiting the AIDS quilt in DC in 1987. I know she had strong feelings about this memory, and I want to know so much more about her experience!) I have even more remembering moments with my Mom, and for now, they are way more intense. They remind me of how often these renembering moments would have me on the floor bawling all night after Lynn passed. There are a lot of things that only I knew about my Mom, as her caregiver. And sharing these memories about Lynn and / or my Mom with someone else is nice, but lacks the emphasis and depth of the memories.
I am anticipating, and maybe mentally preparing myself for, the upcoming Fall and holiday season, when these remembering moments start coming at me like the ocean waves during long swell periods – putting on my windbreaker and bracing myself for it!
