• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Widow's Voice

Widow's Voice

  • Soaring Spirits
  • Donate
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors
    • Kelley Lynn
    • Emily Vielhauer
    • Emma Pearson
    • Kathie Neff
    • Gary Ravitz
    • Victoria Helmly
    • Lisa Begin-Kruysman

Reliving the Worst

Posted on: February 27, 2023 | Posted by: Emily Vielhauer

I try not to relive the trauma of the day our lives changed forever too often. The memories are seared into my brain and are always there to conjure if prompted. I do my best to let them lay because they are so painful to hold on the surface for too long.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was preparing to tell her son that his uncle had passed. Her son is close with one of my sons, so she also let me know that this uncle died by suicide. Knowing how 9-year-old boys talk to each other, it’s unlikely that they will share this information with each other. However, I appreciate the fact that she told me so that we are not caught unaware if they boys do talk about it.

Therefore, I found myself back into the late afternoon moments of April 20th, 2021.

Photo by Michael Held on Unsplash

That surreal moment of coming inside trailed by two police officers who have just delivered the devasting news of Tony’s death. The worried look on my children’s faces. I gathered them as best I could and told them that their dad had died. The inadequacy I felt trying to comfort them. I didn’t have enough arms, lap space, hugs, or words to make this shocking reality even remotely okay. All I could do was tell them how much I loved them. In my own state of shock, I didn’t cry. My mind was reeling with the news.

The tears come now, as I look back at that day. I now realize with this kind of loss; everything is inadequate because nothing can fix it.

The only thing we can do in the moment is what we do. There is no right way. No time for a handbook. The whole thing sucks. There is no children’s book I could have read them, no words of wisdom to impart, no gentle way to make the heartbreak less.

Sudden death is hard, ugly, and there is nowhere to look but in its face. I am reminded I did the best I could with the information I had. Every time I hear of another suicide loss, I can’t help but think of the kids. The shattering of the tiny hearts we made together.

Soon, I’ll set this memory back in the box. I’ll never forget it, but it doesn’t help to hold it at the surface all the time. I’m doing my best to help us mend, taking one hard thing at a time, and learning along the way.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

Categories: Widowed Parenting, Widowed Memories, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 42 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 8 and 13. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.

Primary Sidebar

Footer

Quick Links

  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors

SSI Network

  • Soaring Spirits International
  • Camp Widow
  • Resilience Center
  • Soaring Spirits Gala
  • Widowed Village
  • Widowed Pen Pal Program
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

Contact Info

Soaring Spirits International
2828 Cochran St. #194
Simi Valley, CA 93065

Email: [email protected]

Phone: 877-671-4071

Soaring Spirits International is a 501(c)3 Corporation EIN#: 38-3787893. Soaring Spirits International provides resources with no endorsement implied.

Copyright © 2023 Widow's Voice. All Rights Reserved.