I feel like I barely finished our summer travel plans, and the summer is almost over.
Two and a half years after my loss, I’m still having to remind myself of how much energy everything takes.
It has gotten better, but man… this process feels so slow sometimes!!!
Subconsciously, I think the more I’m able to do in a day, the more I expect of myself. Then I get really frustrated when all I want to do is binge-watch a show. So unproductive, I think to myself. Yet my body is saying, Nope! We are staying right here on this couch for a little longer!
That was my weekend, with a few widow wins here and there.
I see two therapists regularly. My grief therapist has been with me since I got off the waitlist at a local Center for Loss and Healing, and I am so very grateful for her.
Then, more recently, I started EMDR therapy -Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing- a structured psychotherapy that helps the brain process and heal from traumatic memories. I’ve heard great things about it. I still get a lot of flashbacks, and more recently, I feel the panic attacks wanting to come back so I decided to try it.
This week we touched on my expectations of myself during the healing process. Two things stood out to me.
When I shared that during the first year I gave myself so much grace and had so much self-compassion, but now I seem to expect more of myself, she helped me challenge that thought.
“What if you never go back to your previous level of functioning? You are not the same person. You can’t be.”
I knew that.
Then she said, “Maybe focus on who you can be today. Make a very flexible list of priorities, and always take care of yourself. You are a priority”
As for the unproductive thought while resting and binge-watching… “Who said that’s being unproductive?” she asked. “You are resting. You are healing. You are taking care of yourself and that is productive.”
It definitely helped me change the narrative in my head.
I still don’t know who this Liliana will be. She’s still in the process of rebirth. She’s still healing from the traumatic brain, body, and soul injury of losing her person. She still struggles with sleep, energy, and motivation. She still carries the trauma of years very close to the surface.
But she has permission to become whoever she wants to be next. 🤨
Permission to be whoever she is right now. 😮💨
As I choose to buy the kids Chipotle or whatever because I can’t think of what to make for dinner, or I just don’t have it in me to cook…
As I look for a driving school to give our teenage son a few driving lessons…
As I hire a helper who comes for about five hours a week to help me with whatever is needed…
As I sit through session after session so someone can listen to me, be a sounding board, and encourage me…
It dawned on me: I now have to pay for many of the roles my hubby used to play in our family.
And I’ll be damned if I’m going to feel guilty for it!
He used to fix things. Build things. Carry things. Research things. Drive places. Solve problems. Cook meals. Handle the million invisible tasks that kept our family running.
I can’t be two people. Grief is exhausting.
Still buying take out for dinner more than you’d like to admit? Watching more shows in a day than you used to watch in a year? Showering less than the recommended amount by the National “How Many Days Is Best to Shower?” Association… (Which is actually not a thing. I Googled it. 🤣)…
That’s not laziness. That’s not extravagance. That’s survival.
Permission. How liberating.
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Hasta la próxima! Until next time 
Peace.
