For no particular reason, I looked up Lynn and my conversation in my Messenger app. Honestly, I did not think we had ever messaged on Messenger, but indeed we had! Her first message to me was on August 12, 2009, and said “to see how this works.” There is only a small handful of random messages back and forth, and the last one was from her to me on September 14, 2014, and was a recipe link for Chicken Peanut Curry. I tried to remember back to that time, what conversation we might have been having, that made her send me that link. I never cooked, she did, and she enjoyed asking me what recipes I might want her to try. Were we maybe going somewhere or having friends over to eat? Did she want to make the Curry to bring to my family’s weekly dinner?
As I was wondering what circumstances we might have been experiencing a couple months over 10 years ago, I realized with a bit of shock that ONLY a couple months later, we would be briefly dealing with her cancer diagnosis and she would pass away suddenly on December 3, 2014. For several years after Lynn passed, the absolute WORST time of year for my grief was November, because my body and mind would automatically begin remembering November 2014. It was traumatizing the first year I experienced this, as it was completely unexpected, and I was not sure why my body and mind started having anxiety and crying spontaneously.
So, when I realized I am currently IN that time period, and did not recognize whether I was experiencing any past feeling, I was very surprised! I anticipate that it may still come, and I have been incredibly distracted, so that might be why I did not “notice” the changes in season that usually triggers my body to remember November 2014. Also, Thanksgiving Weekend was Lynn and my anniversary, and I honored in one way or another for many years after she passed. The past few years, I have not felt the need or obligation to recognize in a way that is lengthy or “must look like this.” I have allowed myself to appreciate it in whatever way I feel appropriate and is in alignment for where I am at at the time.
I also realized, my distractions have somewhat disconnected me a bit from my body. This surprise that I had been going thru November somewhat disjointed has been a good “reset” or reminder to get my mind, body, and spirit reconnected, and to pause and just sit for a moment. Phew… almost 10 years under my belt… and I could not even see past a couple weeks down the road for so long!
