Widow's Voice

Missing Two Worlds – But Going Back to One

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http://widowsvoice.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/IMG_5494.jpgI’m writing this from an AirBNB apartment in the heart of New York City, a loooong way from my home in Brisbane, Australia.  

I flew out here for a holiday with a good friend (and fellow widow) after attending Camp Widow in San Diego last weekend, and we’ve been having a wonderful time.

This was my third Camp Widow and while Kelly Lynn spoke about the concept of ‘Camp Crash’ yesterday, I’ve found that for me, the crash has typically been delayed until after I’ve returned home, as the holiday element of my trip has provided a distraction from the return to every-day life. So I’m still waiting for the reality to kick in… but in the mean time, just going with the distraction. 

Something that I’m finding different this time around is that despite having a wonderful time in New York, I’m really missing my new guy back home.  It’s a new relationship and I already had my three-week trip booked long before we met.  But since meeting him, our feelings have developed quickly and we had grown very close by the time this holiday rolled around.
So right now, I’m missing Dan (as has become my ‘normal’) but I’m also reeaaaally missing my new boyfriend too.  And this has been taking precedence, which is a weird and unusual feeling.  

Is it because I know I’m returning to a life with this new man whereas I’ve surrendered the life I had with Dan?  Is it the daily phone calls and text messages that are reminding me what I’m missing and what I’m looking forward to returning to?  Is it because my heart has made room for this life that I now want so badly? 

I’ve done so much travelling since Dan’s death, it has been my source of joy and bought a passion for living back to my empty world.  But this is the first time I’ve gone away with someone to miss me, someone to return home to.  I’m finding myself counting the sleeps until we’re reunited. Every evening I fall asleep to the sound of his voice as he wishes me goodnight and every morning I wake to a text message from him.  I’m almost willing away the holiday so that I can be back in his arms.  And this is a very scary and bizarre feeling.

I’m so vulnerable.  But I’m also so very excited.  In a week’s time I will be back home, with this wonderful man.  The longing I’m feeling for him will be resolved. But my husband will still be dead, he will be forever missing from me. I’ve accepted that I’ll always miss Dan, it’s a constant that I now live with and it’s not the biggest part of my day anymore.  It’s the quiet hum in the background, the steady rhythm, like my heart beat, that sets the pace of this new life. 

This is such a strange new world. I feel like I’m entering a new phase of adulthood, where the old and the new co-exist.  I’m yet to work out where all the parts go and it can be confronting at times.  But the happiness, oh the happiness, makes me so grateful for the chance to try. Not too long ago, I really didn’t think I’d ever get this opportunity ever again.