Widow's Voice

Missing Him Until My End

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We grieve because we love and lost our person. Until I was grieving, I didn’t really understand the depths of my love and how much space is carved in my heart for Tony.

This week I’ve been grappling with the realization that I will miss him for the rest of my life. It’s something I’ve known since the day he died. Yet, I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it.

I can imagine loving my children until my last sunset. No problem.

But carrying Tony for the next 20, 40, or however many years I have left is daunting. I will likely hold his memory in my heart for more years without him than I ever got with him here on Earth. I hate it and it’s not fair. It hurts to the depth of my soul.

Everyone says as the years pass it gets easier to carry. I know there is wisdom in that, and it must be true. But I am living in the now. The now is almost 18 months in and it hurts.

So, I’m writing from that place today.

Our lake crew

My neighbors and I were all enjoying a kid free weekend at the lake. We cancelled this event last year, as I couldn’t imagine doing this without him. This year, we brought it back. It had been 6 weeks since I had a night away from the kids, so I was more than ready. For 2 days, I felt him missing and imagined what his quips and shenanigans would have been. I know I wasn’t the only one missing him and his infectious laugh.

I still love him so much and I don’t expect that to change. But as all this crashed down on me this weekend, I was lucky enough to be among some of my closest friends. They held me as the realization wreaked havoc on me and ugly sobs crashed out. No one filled the air with empty promises that it would all be okay. I’m sure I soaked their shirts with my tears and snot, but no one cared about that. Real friends will hold you close and let you spill it all out. When you’re ready to dry your tears and go back out to the fire pit, they are with you for that too.

I know I can’t jump ahead to a more peaceful place. I must go through this as it comes to me but I’m always thankful for the love of my people to get me through the waves.

Photo by Jim Chesek on Unsplash

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 45 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 11 and 15. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.