We grieve because we love and lost our person. Until I was grieving, I didn’t really understand the depths of my love and how much space is carved in my heart for Tony.
This week I’ve been grappling with the realization that I will miss him for the rest of my life. It’s something I’ve known since the day he died. Yet, I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it.
I can imagine loving my children until my last sunset. No problem.
But carrying Tony for the next 20, 40, or however many years I have left is daunting. I will likely hold his memory in my heart for more years without him than I ever got with him here on Earth. I hate it and it’s not fair. It hurts to the depth of my soul.
Everyone says as the years pass it gets easier to carry. I know there is wisdom in that, and it must be true. But I am living in the now. The now is almost 18 months in and it hurts.
So, I’m writing from that place today.
My neighbors and I were all enjoying a kid free weekend at the lake. We cancelled this event last year, as I couldn’t imagine doing this without him. This year, we brought it back. It had been 6 weeks since I had a night away from the kids, so I was more than ready. For 2 days, I felt him missing and imagined what his quips and shenanigans would have been. I know I wasn’t the only one missing him and his infectious laugh.
I still love him so much and I don’t expect that to change. But as all this crashed down on me this weekend, I was lucky enough to be among some of my closest friends. They held me as the realization wreaked havoc on me and ugly sobs crashed out. No one filled the air with empty promises that it would all be okay. I’m sure I soaked their shirts with my tears and snot, but no one cared about that. Real friends will hold you close and let you spill it all out. When you’re ready to dry your tears and go back out to the fire pit, they are with you for that too.
I know I can’t jump ahead to a more peaceful place. I must go through this as it comes to me but I’m always thankful for the love of my people to get me through the waves.