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Magical Music

Posted on: October 1, 2019 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

I am a new guest writer here on Soaring Spirits. I do realise that it’s a site for Widowed people. I am widowed. My husband Mike died of pancreatic cancer on 8th April 2017. He was 53.

It feels like a life time ago.

It feels like yesterday.

It feels unreal.

In addition, I have lost an amazing and one and only best platonic male friend, Don (11 September 2015) to colon cancer; a beautiful younger brother, Edward (10 January 2016) to glioblastoma; and a gorgeously beautiful, clever, funny, artistic, creative, talented youngest child, Julia (30 June 2019. Yes, 2019) to suicide.

All in the past four years. Devastation on top of wreckage after bomb blast after tsunami.

Julia took her life after deciding, 2 years and 2 ½ months after her dad’s death, that life without him was not worth living. 

That was the night of 30 June/1 July this year. It’s recent. Very recent.

Yesterday. Today. And every tomorrow.

Forgive me if the deaths and losses of my daughter, brother and friend, in addition to that of Mike, my husband, somehow mish mash and merge into my widowing story.

Because this widow’s story is amplified with pre- and after-shocks.

Late this afternoon, Sunday 29th September, a dear friend of my “middle child” (now “youngest child”), sent me three songs that she and my daughter Megan had written, sung and performed together in their last weeks of their last year at school. 

One of the songs, “Pa”, I had heard a version of previously, recorded on mobile phones. But the young women were allowed access at their school to pretty damned good recording equipment and this is the outcome.

Disappear.

Pa.

Palpitations.

 

Pa is about Megan’s love for her dad. Mike. She was 9 days away from her 16th birthday when he died. She is now 18 and has started university. It’s about how much she misses him. It’s about how much she misses him more with each passing day. It’s about how she wishes he could see who she is becoming. It’s about missing witnessing the beautiful proud smile on his cheek as he watched her bloom.

It’s heart-rending.

Listen to it.

She also inserted an audio recording of some goofing around we did at Kidderminster train station in the UK during the summer of 2012. We were heading to London to see the play Matilda. The girls, Megan & Julia were trying to crash through the wall at Platform 9 ¾. Without success.  Mike wandered over and played Dobby. Our son Ben, now 20, looked on with patient amusement. And I – behind the camera – sound harried and hurried.  A caption, a recording, footage of a life, LIVES cut way too short. 

 

Here’s the song

https://soundcloud.com/user-412728496-289040358 

And the video clip

https://www.dropbox.com/s/h4d3bfr7a425rh5/Platform%209%203%3A4.MOV?dl=0

 

And the lyrics, below, complete with chords 

You have way too much of my life in this blog post. 

 

Pa

 

G Em C D

Time has passed since you have gone

And now we’re living on our own

Our melody still standing strong

With one voice you’re coming home to me

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see the person I’ve become to be

And now I wish I could see

The smile you’d have upon your cheeks

 

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

G Em C D

I’m older now I understand we live we die it comes hand in hand

Your spirit carries on along while guiding us we follow on

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see the person I’ve become to be

And now I wish I could see the smile you’d have upon your cheeks

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

G Em C D

Years go on I’m still the same

I miss you more every single day

There isn’t anyone to blame

And life goes on and that’s okay to me

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see the person I’ve become to be

And now I wish I could see the smile you’d have upon your cheeks

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

 

G F#/D Am G

G F#/D Em

C Bm C D Em

G F#/D G

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see I’m growing up beyond your dreams

And now I wish I could see how we could have turned out to be

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

Categories: Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Multiple Losses, Miscellaneous

About Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British and now recently also French (because of Brexit), and I have lived in France for the past 21 years. I am 55 and sometimes feel to be an “older widow”, and yet I feel so young. I lost my best male friend Don to bowel cancer in September 2015, my brother Edward to glioblastoma in January 2016, my husband Mike to pancreatic cancer in April 2017, and my sweet youngest child, Julia, to grief-related suicide, in July 2019. And I met a new love (let’s call him Medjool, after my favourite kind of date), off one single meeting on a dating website. Our relationship has exploded into blossom as of June 2019.

I am widowed and I am in a new relationship. I have lost a best friend, a sweet brother, a beloved husband and a precious child, and I still have both parents who are alive and well. I live my days with my grief wrapped in love and my love wrapped in grief. I no longer even try to make sense of anything. I just hope to keep on loving and living for as long as I can, while grieving the losses of loves that are no longer breathing by my side.

I suspect my writing here will be a complex mish-mash of love and sorrow. I also write on http://www.widowingemptynests.com/.

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