. . . it was all fear.
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
–C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
An interesting phenomena when looking back to the early days of widowhood is that I see things now that I was unable to see then. Things I may or may not be willing to own.
Humans and shame is a topic that takes years to unpack—for some, like me, it might take a lifetime. One’s innate level of sensitivity combined with the number of clueless caretakers over the course of our growing years is definitely a factor. Our level of consciousness (and a skilled therapist) allows us (when we are ready) to learn how to step aside or duck, when self-loathing or self-hatred dressed up as shame arises. We learn strategies to remind ourselves that it is not ours. It is not us.
Shame is an emotion that involves negative self-evaluation—believing that something is wrong with you as a person. You may believe that you haven’t lived up to certain standards and feel unworthy or inadequate as a result. Shame often operates outside of conscious awareness, making it challenging to identify and overcome—but healing and growth are always possible. Psychology Today
Death arrives while we are busy doing other things.
Is it any wonder that we feel fear?
Is it any wonder that it feels like the rug of our life has been pulled out from under us when we weren’t looking?
Looking back, I see my conscious self running from fear with actions that allowed me to believe I was coping. Actual coping, for sure, but not totally what was best for me.
I say this with the strongest compassion for my newly widowed self. In a way, the mistakes we make in life just need to happen. Blaming myself only makes things worse.
Case in point: Half of my income died with my beloved. Not the worst of the loss, of course, but a huge practical obstacle to overcome.
Hello fear?…I’m Kathie….what? You want my left arm? That will solve the gap? Yes, of course. I’ll give you my right arm, too, if you like. Will that make it all better?
Whatever personal or therapeutic work we’ve done over a lifetime leaves latent seeds within us. Seeds of an illogical, deep knowing that somehow we’ll be okay….maybe even “normal” again.
Yet, the variations of our early widowed reality are as varied as humans.
The experience of early widowhood is incredibly varied, just like each individual’s journey through life and loss. There’s no single “right” way to grieve or to be a young widow or widower. Widow Might
One thing I know for sure
. . . it is worthwhile to look back on our life, and widowed journey, with compassionate eyes and say, “Yep. That was me, doing my best in the worst of times.”
more on this next week . . .
