My close friend, J’s, husband passed away a few years ago. Lynn and I were very close to them, and when we would go out, we all joked that people would think the “couples” in our group were actually J and I, and Lynn and my friend’s husband. We just naturally would pair off when the four of us would get together. J’s husband was cremated, and her adult children wanted their dad to have a cemetery plot for the urn. J picked out a beautiful spot in our local cemetery, and when I accompanied her to admire it, we noticed the plot next to it was available! These plots can hold either two caskets, or 6 urns, or one casket and 3 urns… you get the gist. I personally did not feel a strong urge to have a plot to place Lynn’s urn in, but 1) I did like the idea of having this beautiful and reverent place to “visit” the remnants of Lynn’s earthly vessel, 2) it seemed like a fitting honor to thank the vessel that housed Lynn’s spirit while she was here on Earth, and 3) my Mom had been feeling unsettled not having Lynn’s remains placed in a plot. And, it was ultimately too awesome to have plots next to J to not purchase the plot, we got a kick out of the fact that Lynn and her husband, who loved chatting with each other, would be next to each other, until we would eventually join them. My Mom had been wanting to purchase her crypt at this cemetery for many years, and a week later, I brought her to the cemetery to pick out and purchase her crypt. It felt normal and natural to only be 47 years old and buying my burial plot. I would actually tell some folks cheerfully and excited about it. I have been hiking and hanging out in this cemetery since I was a kid, as it is attached to our town’s rural cemetery, which is popular for walking tours, walking dogs, and generally being peaceful. I also had a sense of “feeling settled” with knowing the “plan” and having the control over where my remains would be. Despite having purchased our plots a few years ago now, neither J nor I have planned or scheduled the actual burials of our late partners.

Soooo… my Mom passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago while our family was on vacation in the Philippines. We were visiting the homeland, and ultimately, I am so happy that her final resting place is in her hometown, among dozens of relatives, and where my Father visits her every morning. 

This left me unsettled about having my burial plot here in our “other” hometown. In the Philippines, cemetaries are rather lively – they are always busy with people visiting their loved ones as well as visiting with one another. In my hometown, there are no relatives left younger than me. Growing up I was surrounded by so many family members, but folks have dwindled significantly over the years, that I am certain I would not have a regular visit from any family members. I have tons of friends who might visit me, but who knows as the years go by, and younger generations would not actually “know” me. And now – I would not even get to be in the same cemetery as my Mom.

By the way, I know Lynn has no feelings about whether her remains are placed in a cemetery or not. And to be honest, I do not totally have strong feelings about what happens with my remains. I do want us both to be remembered for our community work, as well as by loved ones who remember us. Being placed in a burial plot is not the way I will likely be remembered. I think I would much rather have a memorial bench or something similar. And, I was recently talking to J about this, who had a similar sentiment. (She is going to check in with her adult kids to see if they still have the strong desire for their father to be buried.) It is a pretty spot in the Cemetery (called “Hope Garden”), and I brought a chair and relaxed on “my land” (lol) once on Lynn’s Angelversary.

All this to say, last week I contacted the Cemetery to begin the process of selling my / our burial plot. I have felt a sense of contentment, feeling settled, reassurance? having owned this little plot for the past few years. I felt like a “good partner” for having a plan to honor Lynn’s remains. Maybe that was ultimately all I needed to feel at the time…