Where am I headed?
The word journey is a funny word.
It seems to speak of both time and distance.
How far does one travel on the path of grief?
Where exactly are we “going”?
From 2021 to the present, my journey loosely followed this trajectory:
–Year One was a fog; I went through the motions of life, but it was surreal.
–Year Two, I found reality setting in and lost the cushion the fog provided. It was harder than year one.
–Year Three seemed to turn a corner; not “back to normal” but finding a bit of a new normal.
It’s good to take stock once in a while. Grief is hard work and it is nice to discover progress. Here are some helpful mile markers as clues:
Physical health: How are we feeling in our body lately? Are we feeling physically well most of the time, or struggling to fend off illness?
I’ve noticed improvement in my energy and overall physical well being. In year one and two I was exhausted from grief and found sleep a haven. My hiding place. But it feels like sleep is leveling out a bit now. It is less often that I watch the clock and count down to bedtime.
Mental health: Are we having intense grief, depression, and anxiety? It is normal to meet these challenges in our grief journey. It can also help us to evaluate if, or when, extra help is needed from our physician, a coach, or therapist.
Anxiety is something I’ve had to work on throughout my lifetime, and because it’s a familiar friend I have some tools that have helped me in the past that are helpful in anxious moments. The one that helps the most is to remember to be kind to myself when my feelings are difficult, rather than being self-critical.
Social/emotional support: Do we have support systems available to us? Do we know who to call or reach out to?
It takes a very special friend to make space for a call late at night. This is a hard one for me because I have trouble feeling like I am bothering others. I recently asked my self, “Am I not worthy of bothering someone once in a while?”
Life satisfaction: We can tune into the level of life satisfaction, based on our unique circumstances and the timeline of our grief, to discover how to regain our balance when needed.
In year two I went through a phase where I had moments when I’d say, “I hate my life.” It felt so hard, I was so exhausted and sad. After a good night’s sleep, I remembered wise advice I found in a baby book as a young mom. The book said that a good guideline to measure if you need help is to ask yourself if you are enjoying your baby “more of the time than not.” I found this normalized for me that bad days come and go, but if it feels bad all the time, then I need to reach out for help.
Psychological resilience: Resilience is a term that acknowledges that life is hard AND we are stronger than we know. Dr. Bernie Siegel says to watch how a tree will literally grow around a fence. That’s resilience and we have it too.
In year three of my grief I planted a Ginkgo tree in my front yard. Whenever I meet a Ginkgo tree I remember that fossils place the tree in the time of the dinosaurs. I remember that two Ginkgo trees survived the atomic bomb in Nagasaki. I choose to see myself as kin with the Ginkgo tree. Resilience helps me to get up again when I am knocked down in life. This tree reminds me of who I can be.
How far does one travel on the path of grief?
Where exactly are we “going”?
We are on the path of learning to care for ourselves as we carry on in life after our person leaves.
When we are ready, we are invited to imagine, discover, or create what the rest of our life includes.
Let that sink in for a moment.
What do I want the rest of my life to include?
Be good to yourself.
This is not an easy journey. And remember . . .
You Rock!
Keep going on your path of discovery . . .
