As a solo parent, every now and then I find my brain in the middle of a ‘what if’ spiral of paranoia. After the death of a partner, the mortality of ourselves and our loved ones lives closer to the surface. I know life can change in an instant.

Friday night I found myself driving home with my oldest and youngest boys from a robotics tournament. That’s when I felt the ‘what if’ surface. It was getting dark, and we were an hour and a half away from home. My middle son was happily home alone eating pizza and playing video games. That’s when it hit me, what if we get in a wreck on the way home? The list of follow up questions and scenarios raced through my brain.

Earlier in the day, it had been a nice surprise to leave work early and be able to go support my son’s robotics team. I stopped by my middle son’s school and gave him a choice to join me or stay at school. He chose school. There was no question in my mind that the youngest would take the opportunity to leave school early. As the two of us left town for the tournament the sun was shining, and we were happy for a little road trip.

It’s the dark that brings uncertainty. I reminded myself that falling into that rabbit hole wasn’t going to help. Then I remained focused on the task at hand, getting us safely home under one roof.

I don’t find myself that far away, with a teenage home alone often.  But it does have me thinking about how I can ease my sense of paranoia next time. Bare minimum, I’ll tell someone I’m leaving the city, when I’m expected home, and check in when I’m home. That would at least have another adult on the lookout for my kid(s).

I’m independent because I have to be, and it’s easy to forget until I’m in the moment that backup is a good thing.