Today is Halloween and per usual my feelings are complicated.

I have always loved Halloween, it’s right before my birthday, I love dressing up and expressing some creativity.

Before Tony and I had kids, we used to have a big party every year and we usually put a lot of thought into our costumes. Once we started having kids, the parties scaled back but we still had fun trick or treating with them. Sometimes we’d throw together a quick costume, sometimes not. We’d make 2 big pots of chili and feed our family and the neighbors. Then grandparents would help pass out candy while we took the kids out.

Last year I tried to keep it going still making 2 different batches of food. This year, I’m only making one pot and I didn’t invite hardly anyone to come eat. I just don’t have it in me.

The kids trick or treating is changing too, the two oldest have made plans to go with their respective friends. That leaves just me and the youngest dude to hit the streets in search of the elusive houses giving out full sized candy bars.

Tony would have enjoyed the boys getting older and striking out on their own to collect as much candy as possible. We probably would have had a small tiff over who had to go with our youngest. I would have rolled my eyes and been annoyed because I would have lost, the mom guilt has always been strong. By the time we got home, I would have been over it after watching our kid’s excitement.

Today reminds me how much I miss his laugh as we shared drinks with our friends after trick or treating. I miss standing next to him at the firepit in the driveway trying to stay warm. I miss hosting with him, someone to help with the prep, cleanup, and socializing. I just miss our collective selves together as a unit.

Tonight, I will smile and be excited for the kids. I’m not here to ruin their good time but their dad will never be far from my mind and heart.