I listened to a Dr. Wayne Dyer YouTube video (part of it) where he quotes Carlos Casteneda saying something along the lines of no longer needing / giving up your personal history. And, if you no longer have a personal history, you no longer have to live up to it. Hearing that freaked me out, because I believe that I greatly define myself and have my sense of self wrapped up in my past experiences, relationships, influences, etc. Listening further, he talks about how we carry around “bag of manure” that we carry around of our past (he gets a little graphic from there, lol). He then spoke of these bags as evidence of how we got to where we are now. I hold onto many physical items that reflect a life that I loved in the past, and even experiences that were challenging, but shaped who I am. For example, I hold onto some “souvenirs” of medical items that were used when I was a caregiver for my Mom before she passed. They are “measurable” reminders of not only what I experienced and went thru, but about how well I cared for my Mom, and the intimacy of our relationship in my caring for her before she passed. Wayne validates to me that these experiences were things that I had to get through to get to where I am today. But THEN he says the shocker: the evidence that I got to where I am is that I DID. That I am HERE today. And that I don’t need any more evidence than that. And then – you embrace the thing, and then you toss it… I can merge into the NOW by giving up that “attachment” to that particular object.

He also talks about the wake behind a boat – that the wake does not drive the boat forward, it is the trail that you leave behind, and it does not dictate WHERE your boat will go now.  

And – move into the NOW. 

Sigh, lots for me to digest. I feel like it opens a different mindset for me, definitely in regards to getting rid of some of Lynn’s things that I still hold onto that I am ready to move out of my life. But, also a mental and emotional mindset of not needing to “prove” what I did. I believe that grief is a direct reflection of loving someone. And I suppose I also believe that I reflect my love and of being a “good widow” and “good daughter after my Mom passed” with these physical items. I have kept Lynn’s beloved items front and center, or at least in a special place, to prove my love is forever and that she will always be loved. Hearing the concept of “let go of your personal history” has started a thought process of, I can release my assumption that obligation and dedication to Lynn and my wonderful life with her must always be shown in my daily life in a particular way. I am beginning the thought process that our relationship was not necessarily THE most important thing in my life, but ONE of the important things in my life that got me to where I am today.