I recently wrote about the many “firsts” I have experienced in life that happened with Lynn. It made me think about the “firsts” after Lynn, and the mixed feelings that often accompany these “first” experiences.
There are the firsts that are more about grieving the lack / loss of Lynn’s presence. I remember the first time going into our favorite restaurant for dinner without her. Luckily, they had held a memorial gathering for Lynn a few days after she passed, so my first time there was filled with love and memories of people grieving Lynn. The first time I went there for dinner however, it felt confusing because on the one hand, it felt “normal” like any other time I had gone there for dinner. On the other bigger hand, the “weirdness” of going there without Lynn because she was GONE, and not because she was busy or out of town, was a bizarre feeling. I still had not fully believed she was completely gone (and not coming back), but it was a shock to realize we would never have dinner together there again. The owners graciously told me they understood that it was hard for me to go there, and it was a few years before I began going there regularly and comfortably again.
Visiting her family the first time was a big adjustment, of course. I had vacationed with them numerous times and was very close to all of them. However, we all had to adjust to interacting with one another without the “buffer” of Lynn. We had to initiate conversations with each other, instead of following along Lynn’s lead. I engaged in planning activities instead of just kicking back, being the funny one, and going with the flow. Even having dinner with my own parents for the first time without Lynn was a major adjustment, and it took awhile for us to establish a new relationship with one another without Lynn. I was 29 years old when Lynn and I met, and she passed when I was 39 years old. For the first time, I had to establish an “adult” relationship with my parents on my own. Lynn had a very strong presence in our dynamic with my parents, and we had to adjust to her absence in our once-foursome. It felt awkward for us learning to be together without Lynn. In addition, in my deep grief, I was not any familiar version of myself, so both expressing myself, and my parents receiving my energy was uncomfortable and confusing. There is no manual for these situations!
Fortunately, the first time I traveled / flew since Lynn’s passing was to San Diego’s 2015 Camp Widow. It was fortunate, because, even I was still unable to look up from the ground and make eye contact with people. However, everyone there understood immediately why I was not smiley, conversational, and matched my energy and feelings – it was amazing. I felt comforted and understood, despite feeling the deep sadness of embarking on a first trip since Lynn’s paid was still one of the many milestones of the grief journey.
When you experience such a life changing event, we say everything is different, everything changes. The differences can be obvious sometimes – living in your home without your person, your future with your person completely disappears, buying groceries just for yourself, you physically cannot get out of bed some days. And then, there are these relatively benign, common experiences – traveling, dinner with parents, going out for dinner in general – that can also bring you to your knees. It is a reminder that, for me, I had to develop a new relationship with not just friends and family, but with situations and activities. As I say, there was no manual to learn and follow, AND – there was no manual for those in my life who witnessed my floundering around. I am so appreciative of their patience and suspending their judgment, as I eventually found my footing again. And, even 10 years out, I still experience the feeling of “firsts,” but with more peace and acceptance.
