Widow's Voice

Bizarre Birthday

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I’m sitting at the airport this morning headed to spend the weekend with my best friend from junior high. It’s my 40th birthday weekend and I’m all over the place in my head. Today’s blog is more of a list of competing emotions rather than a discussion or story…Sometimes bullet points get “the point” across better.  See what I did there? 😉

Ok here goes:

  • Turning 40! Excited and how the Hell did I get this old?
  • Yay! Friends and fun!
  • Yay a break from work!
  • Oh God this is my first birthday without Clayton. Can I hold it together?
  • What’s next? Holidays? Oh God I won’t have him for holidays!
  • Do I want to even decorate? Too sad but he would want me to.
  • Seriously 40? I did not envision my life would be so shaken up at 40. Ugh
  • Ok deep breath! Birthday weekend!! I’m grateful for what I have but I’m also excited for presents 🙂
  • Birthday cake! Oh damn with 40 candles! Good thing I brought my inhaler! LOL!
  • I can’t have cake. My metabolism stopped at 35 and my height stopped at 5’6”. Too much cake and I’m going to be a hobbit by 41.
  • Clayton would have laughed at that. I miss him. He always dropped me off and picked me up at airports. I loved seeing him there right when I got home. He won’t be in a few days. He won’t be for my next trip or any trip after. It’s kind of hard to be at home and to leave home.
  • Ok back to the fact that I’m turning 40! Deep breath!

Can’t stop any of these events from coming so I might as well start enjoying every minute! Happy Birthday Bryan. You are doing good! One day at a time…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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