Life Brings Other Transitions

I joined the Widow’s Voice team about two months into my loss. Each writer (one for each day of the week) writes about whatever is relevant in their life that week. For about two months now, I have been in a state of transition. Preparing my home for a tenant involved cleaning out a spare room, finding spaces for what came out of the room, and finding ways to part with things that are no longer needed.

Most folks realize that the “big” transitions, such as birth, illness or death, are times when we need support. But what about the smaller transitions? It was no surprise to find some suggestions online for some common feelings or thoughts during additional practical transitions that arrive after, or on top of, the big transition of losing your person.

If you are experiencing moving homes, having someone new moving into your home, or having to remodel part of your home, you are in a transition. The closer your loss is to the “added transition,” the stronger your feelings may be.

My particular transition involved many boxes.

 

In my case, I was moving a spare room full of stuff, a shed full of boxes, and a garage full of miscellaneous items that may or may not have a permanent home.

Reviewing the list of common feelings, a sense of being out of control topped my list. Yes, excitement was there at times, but mostly I felt paralyzed at getting things back together. I began to doubt myself. Can I complete this? Is it possible?

Confusion showed up when I could not see a solution for “not enough space” and “too many things”; it was imperative to part with some things. While one of these things can bring stress, a combination of many things assures that stress will be a part of the transition.

It is helpful to remind ourselves that stress is real.

It helps me to remind myself that it is normal for anyone to feel stress in the transitions I am in. Acknowledging this helps me to remember to offer compassion to myself.

I come to this page after moving 10-15 boxes from the driveway to a staging area where they will be sorted by the Three Solutions: Give Away, Put Away, or Throw Away. It feels good if I have a concrete plan. But I have to say, the smarter the plan, the better I feel. I literally wait for the best plan while I am going about the other things in my life. If “The Plan” shows up, it gives me an energy boost and a new attitude about accomplishing my task.

Asking for help, or Trading help, can be Genius.

I say “can be” because a badly thought out plan for getting help can actually make things more complicated. The rule “Know Thyself” applies here — and also, “Know Thy Friend!”

Your friend Betsy likes to throw things away? She thinks you are a border-line hoarder? If these apply, Betsy probably works fast, LOVES to throw things away, and does not bat an eye.

She’s probably not your person to help with a thoughtful first-sort through your belongings.

My good friend offered to help, and is a “Betsy-natured” person. Within 10 minutes of her arrival, my instinct said to offer to go to a movie with her. In other words, “stall the project to save the friendship.”

She was not the right person for that task.

Which brings me to loneliness.

My transition tasks are moving past month two and I am beginning to feel quite lonely. I’ve had help, but not much enthusiastic help. The overwhelm is feeling bigger, not smaller.

It might be time for a new plan.