Our widowhood contains every experience that formed us throughout our lifetime.
We are widowed young, old, and in-between.
It is fair to say that the unique markers that we embody is what makes our widowed experience ours alone. And (thankfully) there are uncountable ways that the widowed experience is the same for all of us.
It helps to talk with someone who knows a bit of your reality, in big ways or in small. If you are hearing this for the first time, something good is in store for you when you find that person. You have things to talk about.
Today I speak to widowed folk who identify as introverts.
You may be an introvert. . .
If you renew yourself in solitude.
If you experience life through an inner lens.
If you take your book to lunch, rather than a human.
If you are not sure in a group meeting what you think, but discover largely when you step away.
But wait!
Introversion / Extroversion is defined on a slippery slope!
You may be an introvert who has learned how to take care of yourself in an extroverted world.
Human beings are excellent chameleons. Since we are survivors, you may know that you are truly an introvert wearing the costume of an extrovert!
So much fun to dress up for a night!
Image courtesy of Izzy Park/blue_jean via unsplash.com
And if you crash hard afterward, locking all the doors and demanding that no one speak to you, you may just be an introvert. So as you’re reading this post and you hear yourself saying,
“Hey! I’m not an introvert, but I do that!”
Bravo you! Dive in deeper and see what you find.
Note to scholars: For the purpose of this conversation, we will not take up the nuances of ambiverts or omniverts. The research rabbit holes are their own adventures, better left to the curious explorer on their own.
It is not news to introverts that the way the world functions favors extroverts. When living in a noisy world, quiet people can be misunderstood.
One of the risks of being quiet is that other people can fill your silence with their own interpretations: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck up. You’re judgmental. You have nothing to say. –Sophia Dembling
A Widowed Introvert
I am a lifelong introvert who has learned to live in the extroverted world. Folks are often surprised when I identify as introvert as I have learned (more accurately, am still learning) to live, and succeed, in a world that favors extroverts.
Those who know me well know that I retreat to renew myself. In the journey through my husband’s dying process, it was a challenge to navigate so many people in my daily life–even those I deeply love and value. As I think back to this, I value the awkward times of trying to figure out how to navigate life and still be me: those lessons saved my life and are still helping me on my widowed journey.
In the midst of the moments I felt I could not bear my life anymore, I trusted my instincts and acted.
Although strange to many, but politely not commented on, I asked my family’s support to leave for a day. I headed to the ocean; a day-long reprieve on a whale watching vessel. Here I found invisibility under the blanket of a huge ocean that I imagined held me close. My tears were mixed with wet fog and all eyes on the ship were scanning the horizon for whales. Huge pods of dolphins gave comfort in their extroverted energy. After this, I took my book to dinner and then returned to the struggle of my husband’s care with more inner resources to give than I had previously.
This was my particular survival plan.
Grief adds additional stresses that deserve self-compassion for all widowed people
For introverts, with active inner lives and often a strong inner Judge Archetype, a level of critique exists that is silent, even secret. Critical self-talk makes the journey of grief extra complicated and in the introvert’s lively imagination it can feel devastating.
Image courtesy of Volkan Olmez via unsplash.com
I see you
Next week, I will continue with part two of this three-part series, The Introvert In Grief.
This topic is a rich source of conversation, so if you have tips to add, questions burning, or stories to share, please contact me at this link.
I am good at replying to email, so if you send something, be sure to check your spam or trash if you don’t find a reply from me.
See you here with more thoughts on the introvert’s grief journey next week. xo
Notes:
Quote by Sophia Dembling
About Sophia Dembling https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/sophia-dembling
About Kathie Neff
Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.
Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.
Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.
