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Wonderful Life

Posted on: November 25, 2019 | Posted by: Staci Sulin

I often think about life with Mike.  I want the life and love he shared with me back.  A part of me will always want to slip back into that wonderful life with him.  I know that this is not possible, but I do not know how to stop myself from wishing for my old life to return to me.  I know that none of these desires are realistic.  And, I know that I can’t live in my reverie where Mike still exists.  I know all of this, so why can’t I stop myself from travelling to our past in my mind.  Why can’t I stop imagining a future that will never be?

I have spent three years in limbo.  I am not present in my own life.  Most days, I do not actively engage in my life because I am lost in some place that exists beyond time and space.  I feel sad for my children. When Mike died, they lost the Mom they had grown accustom to.  I wonder if I can get my act together before they grow up.  Raising them is my responsibility and I don’t take it lightly.  I have to be present for my kids; but, as a widow, I have not found a way to successfully do this. Death robbed Mike from me and it unfairly took my children’s mother from them too.

I wish I could snap my fingers and neatly compose myself.  I wish I could rearrange my grief so that my mind would remain focussed rather than filled with frazzled thoughts and scattered ideas.  I wish this life without Mike was easier.  As a widow, I wish so many things I’ve lost count.  Mostly, I spend my time wishing that Mike was still alive sharing his life with me.  I wish he was still here having a wonderful life with us.

 

 

Recently, I have become disheartened about the potential my future holds.  This isn’t like me, I have always been an optimistic person.  Since early on, I believed love would find me again and I was confident that I would rebuild my life somehow.  I knew it’d be hard work.  I just didn’t realize how very hard it’d actually be. 

 

I know Mike is never coming back to life.  I accept this now.  I don’t like it, but I accept it. 

And, with acceptance, has come more questions. 

Lately, I wonder if the greatest love affair of my life is over and if my best life is gone with it. 

 

I have no proof that this statement is true.  And, likewise, I am not certain that it is false.  I will admit that I sense this isn’t how things will play out; I think I will be “okay” again – somehow.  But, I still wonder and worry about my future because it remains unknown.  The only thing that I know for certain is that Mike is dead and he will not be part of my future.  This is the only thing that I know for sure. 

I became a widow at the tender age of 42.  As I am moving into my fourth year of widowhood, I struggle to accept that maybe the best of my life was lived already and the rest of my life will only be tolerable at best.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired from wondering about the future.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different.  I am just plain tired.  Three years and 11 days is a long time to feel uncertain.  It is a long time to be wondering if life will ever be wonderful again.

~Staci

 

Categories: Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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