I often think about life with Mike.  I want the life and love he shared with me back.  A part of me will always want to slip back into that wonderful life with him.  I know that this is not possible, but I do not know how to stop myself from wishing for my old life to return to me.  I know that none of these desires are realistic.  And, I know that I can’t live in my reverie where Mike still exists.  I know all of this, so why can’t I stop myself from travelling to our past in my mind.  Why can’t I stop imagining a future that will never be?

I have spent three years in limbo.  I am not present in my own life.  Most days, I do not actively engage in my life because I am lost in some place that exists beyond time and space.  I feel sad for my children. When Mike died, they lost the Mom they had grown accustom to.  I wonder if I can get my act together before they grow up.  Raising them is my responsibility and I don’t take it lightly.  I have to be present for my kids; but, as a widow, I have not found a way to successfully do this. Death robbed Mike from me and it unfairly took my children’s mother from them too.

I wish I could snap my fingers and neatly compose myself.  I wish I could rearrange my grief so that my mind would remain focussed rather than filled with frazzled thoughts and scattered ideas.  I wish this life without Mike was easier.  As a widow, I wish so many things I’ve lost count.  Mostly, I spend my time wishing that Mike was still alive sharing his life with me.  I wish he was still here having a wonderful life with us.

 

 

Recently, I have become disheartened about the potential my future holds.  This isn’t like me, I have always been an optimistic person.  Since early on, I believed love would find me again and I was confident that I would rebuild my life somehow.  I knew it’d be hard work.  I just didn’t realize how very hard it’d actually be. 

 

I know Mike is never coming back to life.  I accept this now.  I don’t like it, but I accept it. 

And, with acceptance, has come more questions. 

Lately, I wonder if the greatest love affair of my life is over and if my best life is gone with it. 

 

I have no proof that this statement is true.  And, likewise, I am not certain that it is false.  I will admit that I sense this isn’t how things will play out; I think I will be “okay” again – somehow.  But, I still wonder and worry about my future because it remains unknown.  The only thing that I know for certain is that Mike is dead and he will not be part of my future.  This is the only thing that I know for sure. 

I became a widow at the tender age of 42.  As I am moving into my fourth year of widowhood, I struggle to accept that maybe the best of my life was lived already and the rest of my life will only be tolerable at best.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired from wondering about the future.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different.  I am just plain tired.  Three years and 11 days is a long time to feel uncertain.  It is a long time to be wondering if life will ever be wonderful again.

~Staci