I have a tonnn of songs in my “Grief Songs” Playlist – a carefully curated list of songs accumulated over the past 11 years of songs that are about grief, help me have “a good cry” (I am now at a place in my journey that I can schedule these “good cry’s” at a “convenient” time), and songs that basically help me thru my grief by touching my heart / heartbreak by articulating my feelings and experience.
Over the past few years, I have created a Playlist (title still pending…) that makes me feel empowered… that helps me feel – I can grieve however I want to, my grief journey is mine, and – more importantly – validates my ability and determination to move forward, to be a heroine in my journey, while STILL healing and sharing my experience. Songs that adamantly express the determination to move thru painful experiences in a way that can use the healing and journey to empower oneself. I LOVE randomly hearing a new song, and startlingly realizing – this song about strength is resonating with me.
Top of my list is the song “This is Me” by Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman (on The Greatest Showman’s soundtrack). This song is AMAZING, and so beautifully articulates how I often felt early on (and certainly at times now) – of the societal pressure to not be honest about my sadness, to let people feel comfortable that I was doing “well,” and the pressure to CHANGE how I felt. If I said I was still sad, I would be recommended to distract myself or take depression meds. If I could not sleep, everyone recommended medication. If I declined going to a party, they would say I needed to get back to normal. I would respond in my head (and eventually out loud) “I think feeling sad is a NORMAL reaction to what I m going thru.” “I think lack of sleep is a natural response to how I am feeling.” I could deeply feel and recognize that my body was taking care of me, and doing exactly what it needed to do to protect my mind and heart during this time of grief.
Societal expectations and timeline can gnaw away at the grief brain, and I would of course wonder, “Am I grieving wrong? Am I too broken? Will I stay broken? Should I fake it?” These songs VALIDATE my deep “knowing” that whatever I was feeling was correct, that I was where I was supposed to be.
While I wish I had heard this song in the first couple years of my grief, I know I heard it RIGHT when I needed it, right when I could take all the frustration, the feeling of devastation when someone would say something unintentionally painful, and a time when I was ready to come into my power. This song makes me think of my Widow Fam, and what freaking WARRIORS we are.
THIS IS ME
I am not a stranger to the dark
“Hide away, ” they say
“‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts”
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
“Run away, ” they say
“No one’ll love you as you are”
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Whenever the words wanna cut me down
I’ll send a flood to drown ’em out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them ’em out
Oh
This is me
