With all the dates that are heavy and big for us this time of year, and all the medical appointments that trigger that feeling of terror and loss of control, I find myself fending off panic attacks more often. And all of that has been exhausting.

I even thought to myself this week, Am I lazy? I could barely get things done.

Then I said, Absolutely not! You are still in recovery from your T.B.B.S.I. (Traumatic Brain, Body and Soul Injury—not an actual term, but it should be!)

If you follow my flow, you’ll be happy to know that my daughter’s visit to the ENT went great. Nothing to worry about, the doctor said. But it has taken me so long to bounce back from that.

Cue the exercise of giving myself grace, care, and compassion.

On Friday nights, as I sit alone in our sunroom with a glass of wine and some TV show, I feel so alone. It’s funny to me how, because I feel so alone, I kinda isolate myself. Like, if you invite me, and it’s easy, and I can show up in my sweats, I’ll come. But I don’t have the energy to reach out. It’s a chicken-or-the-egg kinda situation.

And that Friday-night scenario has been my regular for a couple of months now. So when I have it in me, I am fighting tooth and nail not to feel so deeply alone.

Here are some of the things I’m doing to pull myself up:

Do more of what brings me joy 💃🏽

Music and dancing? YES, PLEASE!!!

Last Thursday, I went to Bilingual 🎤 Karaoke with a group of girlfriends. We met when our kids were in Pre-K 4, and now they are all seniors in high school!!! 🥹

We tried a new place and naaahhh! Not for us. The crowd was sitting down. WHAT??? Fortunately, our regular place is down the street, so we rolled into the party we were looking for. Got home at 2 a.m. on a school night.

Shhhh! 🤫 Don’t tell my daughter!

Connect with friends who fill my cup ☕️

Friday, I met up with my sister from another mister, whom I hadn’t seen in forever. Her life is like a real-life telenovela. We sat at the bar until they closed. We laughed so hard my face was hurting. We have been through so much together, and being together fills our souls.I needed that so much!!!

Two other friends and I have also started a weekly walk and play with our dogs. Amazing!

Then Sunday I finally connected with a young widow from my church. We had been trying for months! We spent 3 hours sharing and crying and just validating each other. It was so beautiful.

Have something to look forward to 🥳

This was one of my hubby’s mottos in life. Even when he was sick. After every clear scan—after what felt like holding our breath for days—he would say, “Great, OK, now let’s go and live our lives.”

What am I looking forward to, you ask? Well, our son is turning 18. A whole adult. OMG.

And yes, it comes with ALL the feelings. And I am trying my damn best to honor all of them. And I hope the joy shines through most of all. I am focused on that celebration, even though my favorite teenage boy (his actual name on my phone) doesn’t really want to do much.

“I just want money,” he says. 💵 Hmmmm. You and me both, boy!

We will order his favorite food and cake and then be ready for whatever else we can come up with.

Things are looking up 😊.