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The Only and the Already

Posted on: August 25, 2018 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

There are minutes, hours, days that seem to fly by while seconds seem to drag on forever. It has only and already been 4 months since Tin has passed – only and already.

For those that don’t lose their “person”, it is hard to explain that time’s guidelines begin to bend in ways we never knew. Good days go fast. Bad days go slow. Yet the next week reverses and bad days go fast and good days go slow. Either way I’m keeping busy but the one thing I can’t run from is the building feeling of being lonely. I’m filling my days but not with new things and social events…I have to do everything around the house and I’ve also added 2 other side jobs to cover the cost of being alone. I’m busy but when I look at my day:

Weekdays – Wake up, walk Roan, gym, work, walk Roan, check work stuff for job 2 and 3, bed, repeat.

Weekends – get up, walk Roan, clean, run errands, walk Roan, check work stuff for job 2 and 3, bed, repeat.

Tin and I were only here for 1 year before he became ill. We didn’t have time to get settled and make a circle of friends. I already feel the emptiness and loneliness of not having family and friends in the area and I can’t see where I might have time to build a new life. I’m only one man and I’m already alone…

Two days before Tin passed away he wanted to go back to our home to see everything one last time. It was very late and I was burnt out. I promised him I would bring him up early the next day so he could have the whole day to look at everything and just enjoy the calm of our home. Tin felt too tired the next day and couldn’t come over. Early the next morning he passed away. He only wanted to go home one last time and I already regret that I didn’t take him the night he asked. I’m so so very sorry Tin. I didn’t know how fast that last day would pass… If only…

Categories: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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