Widow's Voice

The Unlikely Squirrel

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Last week my therapist asked me if I felt Boris’s presence lately. I thought about it for a moment and then realized the answer was no. It had been a while since something happened that felt like a sign from him or his presence was there. Over the past 2.5 years, I’ve heard specific songs that I felt were a “wink” from him, and for a few months, I saw people wearing this one particular shirt that he wore a lot and felt like he was saying ‘hello’. When I told my therapist that it had been a while, she said that he might be sending signs but I have to be open to it to see them. Stubbornly, I thought that was not true because I am always open to it! I felt defensive. Of course, after thinking about this more, I realized I had been pretty closed off from these possibilities. I have been busy and stressed and ungrounded. Between school/work, family health stress, and grief, my brain has been working in overdrive. I have not been open to his presence. For the next couple of days, I tried to connect with him and be more open to his communication.

This weekend I attended the wedding of a long-time friend and one of Boris’s closest high school friends. Outside of the COVID-19 situation, I was feeling hesitant because of the emotions it might bring. Boris would have been a groomsman. Boris should have been married to me by this time. This shouldn’t be happening without him.

Even though it was an outdoor ceremony, I was pretty nervous about safety, so I stood in the back, away from everyone so that I could watch. As I was standing there waiting for it to start and then watching the ceremony begin, I was feeling lonely. I was lonely because I was there alone and I was lonely because I was one of the few people wearing a mask. All of my old friends were not wearing masks and were grouped together, hugging and greeting one another. I did not even want to make eye contact with anyone. I felt out of place for many reasons. Just as the ceremony began and my discomfort grew, I heard this noise. I looked up at a tree and saw a squirrel. He was eating an acorn and it was adorable. But, he was eating SO LOUD. He even left the tree branch and began searching for more acorns and eating on the ground. I was pretty close to him and was able to take a few pictures and videos of his loud eating. After watching him for several minutes and documenting the cuteness, I realized that observing this squirrel had taken my mind off of the loneliness and the sadness I was experiencing. I felt myself laughing and being amazed by this little creature. As he chewed loudly, I was reminded of another loud-eater—Boris. Then I smiled to myself and thought: okay I hear you, my love. 

You may find it absolutely insane that I think Boris sent me a sign in the form of a squirrel during a wedding. And, that is ok. I know it sounds crazy. But, I felt it. I think Boris could feel the heaviness and anxiety I was experiencing and he lightened it for me in a very Boris way with a loud eating squirrel. 

I am not gonna lie, it was a tough weekend. Weddings are hard. Loneliness is hard. And, come to find out, pandemics are really, really hard! I still have mixed feelings about attending this wedding, however, as I drove away (missing out on the reception) I felt comforted by the “wink” from Boris. It sucks that he is not here to hold my hand during a wedding or to make fun of the cheesy vows or songs. It sucks that I had to do that alone. And, it may always suck. But, I am glad that I was able to be open to his presence to make this one a little easier.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.