June was Pride Month AND Filipino Heritage Month, and is always my busiest month as a result. I am greatly involved in organizing many of the activities, as well as participating in those I have no responsibility with (often my favorite times). I couldn’t help but remember the many memories Lynn and I made over our 10 (physical) years together. Lynn was my first serious girlfriend (then legal partner), so many of my memories of sweet, young “firsts” were with her. First time holding a girl’s hand at a Pride event, first time going dancing in a gay bar together, first time meeting the parents, first time buying a home, lots and lots of life milestones’ firsts. Whether a late partner or not, the person you experience many of these milestones that can significantly impact your perception and experience in your “community” with, will always hold a special place in your heart. I still remember the mixed feelings of shyness, excitement, nervousness, and liberation participating in Pride events because, for the first time, I had MY person with me. The person who makes me feel both safe and shy, who I know is also feeling the “specialness” of sharing these moments with each other. We experienced the not so great moments together also. While in Vegas holding hands having been together for only a few months, we were casually called homophobic slurs, and immediately stopped holding hands. Unfortunately, because of this very brief and inconsequential (to the person who said it) incident, we rarely to never held hands in public again… for 10 years, until she was pre-diagnosed with cancer. We then held hands in public at all times. We immediately shared a non-verbal “Screw it,” and without discussing it, began holding hands. She passed only a few weeks later, but I still remember the deep comfort and closeness I felt in those days we held hands in public. I also felt confident and like we were super sheroes. It felt like us against the world for those weeks, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. I try not to let any feeling of regret into my life ever. BUT, if there was something in life I would possibly wish I had done a little differently, it would be for Lynn and I to have held hands in public for all our relationship. I don’t apologize that we didn’t though. We were both from a time when that was less comfortable for gay people to be public. A lot has changed for me since she passed, in regards to Pride and being out publicly. I am on the Board for our local Pride, and am very much in the public as a gay person. I know Lynn gets a kick out of it! Now, with my new love, I hold hands with her every chance I get. While it may seem like a simple, obvious act for others, for me, every time I hold her hand, it feels so powerful and deeply significant to me, as well as comforting and safe. While I will never take for granted getting to be the one to hold her hand, I am beyond happy to already feel how “normal” and safe it feels.
