. . . my story

 

What am I feeling?

Bad. I feel bad.

Am I experiencing this feeling from a lack of sleep? Have I eaten?

 

I’m feeling depressed.

Is this feeling related to another step in my grief?

Another reality check?

(I check the calendar…is this an anniversary my body is remembering?)

 

I’m feeling dull. Dead inside.

Wait.

I think I’m feeling lonely.

Do I need to reach out to a safe human?

 

Uncovering the many masks grief wears is a helpful tool on the path of grieving.

 

 

Why mask?

 

Is this feeling a call to action?

Will I be helped by allowing it to flow through me, and out of me, through my tears?

 

Many years ago I learned that feelings are a spontaneous inner reaction. We don’t choose our feelings and can rarely get rid of a feeling immediately, or on command. It helps me to remember the nature of feelings; they come and go…arise and then fade away.

Additionally, I learned that feelings are not right or wrong in and of themselves. This was a tricky one to consider. Connecting the morality surrounding feelings with “what we do with them” made sense to me. In other words, it is our actions that have morality, not the feeling itself. I have found this to be true in my life.

Why does that matter? Being an introvert, I process my feelings inwardly (with “me, myself, and I”). It is helpful to remember that I am not my feelings. I am much more than the particular feeling that is occurring within me in this moment.

At the time I was being schooled in feelings for the first time in my life, I considered myself a feeling person. I had so many feelings! My mild temperament from birth, and the home rules that said “children should be seen, not heard,” helped to train me to ignore feelings. Or stuff them.

This led me to the adult journey of learning to pay attention to and identify my feelings. With further study, I tried to “honor” my feelings. Just notice and let go. Not always easy, btw.

Why?

I am a deep feeler.

Some of the “feeling masks” my grief shows up in are:

• anger
• depression
• fear
• paranoia
• helplessness
• doomsayer
• critic

As we each find our way through our grief, we may consult grief counselors, therapists, books, or blogs. All really good ideas. One guideline passed on to me was: Take what you need and leave the rest.

During the three years after losing my Dan, my feeling world has turned up-side-down. It seems all of my feelings are heightened. New feelings arrive unexpectedly. Feelings arrive that I’ve not previously known. They show up when I least expect them.

Using what I’ve learned in the past, from many sources, I’ve landed on this method for myself.

• Feel the feeling.
  • I name it (i.e., depression)
  • Acknowledge it’s presence
• Honor the feeling.
  • Self talk: Hello again feeling.
  • Self talk: This is a process…it will get better as I continue to do the work.
• After feeling the emotion, I try to allow it to move through me:
  • Create a private space for letting the feelings flow out with my tears.
  • Take a walk (move my body!) or get on my exercise bike.
  • Utilize distractions after which, sometimes, I “forget about” the feeling.
  • Ask myself and answer honestly: “Do I need to ask for help”?
    • It can feel really hard to ask for help.
    • It does gets easier the more I do it.

 

Somehow having a simple process for doing the work of grieving helps me feel stronger.

 

Remember:

“Your gut knows what’s up, even if your brain doesn’t want to admit it.” – Anonymous.

 

Whatever is working, I keep doing it.

Whatever’s not working, I take small steps to adapt it; or let it go completely.

Whatever I try on, I remind myself to take what I need and leave the rest.