After I logged off work tonight, I felt that bubble rising. The one that fills me with self-doubt. My brain filling with intrusive thoughts because I am stretched thin. I don’t feel good at anything.
The source of my stress right now is work. I’ve been given more responsibility, while also working to improve processes. None of my days are going as planned. Days I expect to be meeting free turn into back-to-back calls. This leaves my functional work piling higher, unread emails, and to-do lists growing longer. Closing my laptop at the end of the day leaves me with a nagging sensation of work left undone.
However, I have been extremely fortunate with my job since Tony died. My boss and department have been very understanding and even protective of me. They support me when I take off to attend Camp Widow and around the death-iversary. I had been in my position for 4 years when my personal life changed forever. That helped me remain effective in my career because I knew the insides and outs without exerting too much brain power.
Logically, I know this will pass. As I learn, I will get used to the extra work on my plate. The new processes will be developed, no longer requiring constant attention. I am in the stretching phase where everything hurts.
This phase is also harder on me than it would have been a few years ago. There is no one to pick up my duties at home. I still have to feed the family, stay on top of the boys’ grades and book reports, shuttle to practice, and everything else it takes to keep a family running.
After I shut down my computer for the evening I stood in the kitchen. The thought of cooking dinner repelled me. I stood there taking deep breaths trying to calm down and expel the inadequacy. When that didn’t work, I took myself up to my room for a cry and a time out. That is where I found my release. Afterwards, I brought myself back downstairs to help the kids forage a DIY dinner. Carrying on, one step at a time.
