I’m now at Day 10 of this respiratory thing going around, so I’ve been isolating … which should have made it easier for me to accomplish all of the things on my list … but my energy level is at the negative level and I can’t manage more than an hour before I need to sit down. So instead I’ve spent way too much time binging tv shows and scrolling through social media.
Wasted time … but some good things have shown up.
I watched all six episodes of The Madison. I liked it (although I’ve read others have issues with it). I thought Stacy’s therapist shared some good advice … “you should consider everything … you are actively weighing your future and the consequences … that’s healthy and good for your soul … you will have as much life to live as you allow yourself”. I liked that last one and will try to think seriously about that.
I met Kelly Rae Roberts at a Brave Girls Symposium nine years ago and have followed her ever since. I have some of her ‘manifestos’ and prints and she was an inspiration for some of the colorful changes I’ve made in my home lately. Her most recent Substack talked about having a mantra. Kelly’s is “How good can it get?” which does not resonate at all with me at this point in my life. Widowed twice. Approaching 75. But her words did make me do some thinking. Words have always been important to me.
A mantra is a sacred sound, word, or phrase repeated throughout the day to focus the mind, reduce stress, and foster positive energy.
During my Brave Girl years, “I am enough” and “You are loved” were important and I’ll admit I’ve not thought of those in recent years. Perhaps I should have because those are certainly things I need to be reminded of.
When I was on the Camp Widow Leadership Team we started each camp with a team meeting that included pulling words from an Angel Card deck. So often, those words were especially meaningful to each of us. I’ve continued that practice off and on since leaving the team … and I’ve found them to be really good for me right now as I try to figure out what this new alone life – second time around – is supposed to look like. They make me think and the inspirational messages in the book for each word often bring me a smile because of how much they connect with what is happening to me at that time. I’ve added a couple of other decks and have been pulling the cards each morning. It’s a good way to start my day.
Another phrase that is very important to me is “I see you” from the movie, Avatar. Vern loved that movie, and those were the last he spoke in hospice. He said, “I see you” and I responded with a smile and a kiss, saying “I see you, too, my love” not getting the connection at the time. But later – when I watched that movie again – I was reduced to tears. I could hear him saying those words and feel what he was actually saying to me. He was acknowledging who I am as a person, what our life together meant, the fact that I was there for him through those difficult days, weeks, years. He was validating who I am with those 3 little words when he was unable to speak further.
How wonderful it would be if we took the time to stop and truly acknowledge each person who crosses our path, to acknowledge who they are, what they bring to our relationship. To truly see them. And to tell them. I’ve not been very good at doing this, but it’s something to strive for now.
While at a Camp Widow, a friend had this pretty sparkly block with the words “Start with Yes” on it. Well, I love anything sparkly and those words really spoke to me. So I asked Nancy where she had purchased it so I could get one. Instead of telling me, she handed it to me. I’ve kept it where I can always see it and it’s now sitting up on my fireplace mantel.
Saying YES isn’t always easy but when I’ve been brave enough to ‘just do it’ I’ve experienced some pretty wonderful things. It was hard going to that first Camp Widow 11 months after Vern died but it opened up a wonderful volunteer opportunity for me. I signed up for my first Brave Girls Camp because it landed on my anniversary date and felt like a message from Vern that I needed to do it, so I did – and that led to me getting certified to teach the Soul Restoration curriculum and holding some retreats in Folly Beach and Las Vegas. I drove alone in Vern’s mustang to a Camp Widow in San Diego and also made a solo drive to Boise for a Brave Girls Symposium. This has been a nice exercise for me to recognize the number of times that I have said YES in the past. And I have said YES to attending Camp Widow in Calgary in September. It falls on the one year anniversary of Jim’s passing and felt like where I needed to be on that date. I think I’ll try to start saying yes more now and stop thinking my age is a deterrent.
