Widow's Voice

Sometimes it hits you in the middle of Target.

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Grief can be so predictable at times. Birthdays, anniversaries, visiting a special place, milestones, or reading an old card–I can prepare for those. I know those will be tough. Sometimes more than I expected and sometimes less. But, grief has a way of sneaking up on me at times and in places where I did not anticipate it, or perhaps maybe I thought it would no longer creep up on me.

This week it was Target.

My dad, who is living with Parkinson’s and dementia, begged my sister and me to take him. We were tired, but we knew he rarely gets the opportunity to go out these days. We loaded his wheelchair in the car, masked up, and begrudgingly took him.

We leisurely made our way through the store and paused in the men’s clothing. A pair of shoes caught my eye. They likely weren’t the exact pair, but they were so similar to ones I’d given to Boris. A pair that I donated to a men’s shelter within a week after he died. (Or did I? I can’t even remember.) And I felt a little lump in my throat. A sting in my heart.

This happened a lot more in the first several months after he died. I avoided men’s clothing sections. It hurt too much. I loved shopping for Boris. I loved picking out something for him, even just a boring pair of khakis. Or, some casual shoes from Target.

Sometimes I have flashbacks of the night he died when the paramedics used scissors to cut his pants and his shirt. I remember thinking, “Ugh, I guess we will have to throw those away.” As if that were the tragedy. As if he was going to come home in a few days and I’d need to bring him a new pair of pants and shirt. His clothes felt important to me.

I know that I have written about similar things before, including a post about food. But, my realization at Target is just a reminder that loss touches every part of life. It’s in the “big” days and the obvious things, but it is also there in the middle of Target. And, it makes sense. Isn’t that what love is, too? Our love for other people is obvious in weddings, birthdays, grand gestures, romantic trips, and celebrations, but love is also in the mundane. Our love is in the takeout meals, the Netflix nights, the Sunday naps, the “goodnight” texts, and it’s in the middle of Target. It’s that pair of shoes that I thought would look so good on him (and they did). My grief is everywhere because my love for him is everywhere.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.