One of my “widow superpowers” is trying to make sure everyone I love knows I love them, and taking the time to spend time with my favorite people. I refuse to pass away feeling like I did not spend as much time with someone as I should have; nor do I want anyone I love to pass away, and after they are gone, I do not want to feel like I should have spent more time with them.
The phrase, “you’re still so young,” feels so superficial and short sighted. I frequently use the phrase, “you never know.” One immediate lesson I learned from Lynn’s passing is: “You never know.” You never know if you will get another opportunity at things in life, if you will see a loved one again, if you will get another chance to go on a trip, if you will get to talk or see your parents again, etc etc. This seemingly morbid realization is for me actually a GIFT. It makes me say yes to things that matter, more than saying no because the timing feels inconvenient.
Turning 51, it somewhat feels like borrowed time, and it actually makes each day ahead of me seem more precious and valued, a grateful surprise even, lol. Now, with a semi–sense of urgency with time, I am making decisions to do less things that I just “so-so” like, and instead, if possible, use the time and even-more-precious energy to do the things I really love.
Allll these thoughts are what I am reflecting on as I consider semi-retirement – collecting my pension early that I am eligible for now that I am 50+ years old (and supplementing my income with less stressful and hopefully even fun ways!). I recognize how lucky I am to even be in this position, and yet it IS still a bit bittersweet. I was my Mom’s caregiver until she passed in June 2023. My plan that I had been looking forward to, was to collect my pension at 50, and have the time to be able to help her more. Oh life -“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and leave us nothing but grief and pain, instead of promised joy.” (Of Mice and Men)
So anywhoo… it certainly feels weird to be on the precipice of a major new chapter, but not have my Mom to give me her (pushy) opinion. (I am left unsupervised!) And, I do have a great job, but after 35 years in social services, I am ready to let go of that identity and career. What has helped me really make a decision was the reflection I wrote earlier, “I want to make decisions to spend my time and precious (and declining) energy doing the things I absolutely love!” I am in no shortage of filling up my time with so many things I love! I just wish my loved ones could have had the opportunity to live out their retirement days.
(Lol, as I post this, my pendulum (grandfather) clock just chimed the hour, further reminding me time keeps ticking away!)
