Widow's Voice

No more Second Fiddles

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A few weeks ago, Mike and I wrote a joint post together about some of the challenges of two widowed people dating. The metaphor that we mentioned, which is a common one, was of being second fiddle… the idea that each of us sometimes feels “second” to the person that came before us in our partner’s lives. It’s a bit unavoidable now and then to feel that… but I would say that most of the time we don’t go around carrying that weight. 

After I’d written my part of the post, while Mike was working on his, I was milling around in the kitchen quietly… putting dishes away, cleaning the counters, etc. I was thinking more on the idea of the second fiddle and got to thinking – maybe there is a better metaphor for this life as a new partner. 

Maybe in our old life we were fiddles, playing in unison together with our matching fiddle. But a lot has happened since that life, and the person that I am is different from who I was then – as is the same with Mike. Maybe now, we aren’t fiddles at all anymore. Maybe we’re guitars, or cellos, or banjos. Maybe Mike and Megan and Drew and I were matching fiddles… but maybe now, Mike and I are more like a guitar and a banjo. We each have a different sound from the person we were then, and together, we harmonize into a whole new sound. 

This idea is really beautiful to me, and may just prove to be the perfect new metaphor by which to view this complex world of being two widowed people who are loving again. Being such a big music lover, it’s the kind of metaphor that makes sense to me and has a really good feel to it. Being that Mike has brought all new kinds of music into my life – particularly bluegrass music – makes this metaphor even stronger for me. When I think of my life with Mike, in musical terms, it has a similar but different sound to it. Like country to bluegrass. Does it mean that I like our sound more or less than my sound with Drew? Definitely not. Does it mean I no longer love the old music? Nope. It just means that Mike came in and added more beautiful music into my world. 

I feel like it’s a wonderful way to think of it, because it takes away the idea of comparison. We may have been fiddles long ago, with fiddles beside us…. but now, he’s my banjo and I’m his guitar, and we’re making a whole new kind of beautiful music together.

Sarah Treanor and Mike Welker

About Sarah Treanor and Mike Welker

We met in February 2015, while attending Camp Widow.
That is where our story together began, but not where our love stories begin.

Mike lost his wife, Megan, to a lifelong illness. She died of complications from Cystic Fibrosis in the fall of 2014 while awaiting a second lung transplant. It was squarely in the midst of the holiday season - which continues to color every holiday since, as you probably can guess. Together they had a daughter, Shelby, whom you will hear us talk of often and was the apple of her mother's eye. She was seven when she lost her mom, and is embarking on her teen years now. I came into her world when she was eight, and, having lost my own mom when I was nine, there was an instant connection between us. Mike and I dated long distance for 8 months, and I then moved across the country from my home state of Texas to Ohio to be with him. A few years later on this crazy adventure, and we are engaged now, and planning our wedding for this summer (2020). Almost daily there are fears about him dying before we get to the wedding, because that's what happened to me before...

My fiance Drew died on a Tuesday in the summer of 2012. By the time I got the phonecall, he was already gone. He was a pilot, and died from blunt force trauma in a helicopter crash while away on a work contract in Washington State. We talked over lunch, I went to work, it was just an ordinary day, until it wasn't. I spent several years after his death making art to process my emotions... a journey I am still on today, and one that has brought so much meaning and beauty to this horrible journey. I now make art and teach creative healing workshops to help others feel their emotions in new ways, too, and Mike helps me on these creative endeavors in every way he can.

What you'll read from us going forward will be both experiences from our current life and love as well as the past. To us, it is all one big story, and one big family. Now being over 5 years since we lost our partners, the fresher wounds are healed, but there are still fears, triggers, sadness... and there is of course still profound love. Love for the two people who brought us together and for each other. We are convinced they chose us for one another. There were undeniable signs from day one. And so, with their love surrounding us, we continue living, learning, and loving on.

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