… without Jim.

And there won’t be any decorations or a tree or any cards and gifts sent. I just can’t do any of that this year. It’s hard to get into the holiday spirit when you’re missing your husband. The Christmas tree is such a big undertaking, full of memories, and the other things require an effort that I just can’t muster these days. So I decided to give myself the grace to not do any of it this holiday season.

I didn’t decorate for the holidays that first Christmas after Vern died either. I did try the next year, but only got the tree set up. I just could not bear to open that box of ornaments that held so many memories. The next year I made a promise that I would put up a tree. I ended up buying a cheap little Charlie Brown tree with lights just to keep my promise and then a package from Kathy & Melody of Brave Girls arrived with a bunch of colorful and sparkly snowflake ornaments. They didn’t hold memories of my life with Vern, but instead reminded me what I had learned at Brave Girl Camp … that I am loved and I am strong and I can do this. And I did.

I used to start decorating on Thanksgiving Day so I could enjoy it for a whole month. But that was before I lost Vern. I’ve decorated some since but nothing like I used to. And it has only been three months since Jim died. I’ll be in Tennessee spending this Christmas with my brother and his wife who always decorate their home beautifully for the holidays. I know I’ll be able to embrace the holiday there with them and perhaps find my holiday spirit is still alive and kicking.

I guess what I’m saying here is we get to do whatever feels right for us at the time. It’s not up to anyone else to tell us that we MUST decorate or that we SHOULD decorate or to shame us if we don’t ever decorate again.

So if decorating makes you feel good – please do it. And if it hurts too much to do it this year – then please don’t do it. Christmas will still arrive, either way.