Widow's Voice

Motherhood in May

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Field day

I am tired. For parents of school aged children, May is a special hellscape. Spring sports are in full swing. There are last minute school projects to complete. Field day for the elementary kids. Band concerts. Fifth grade farewell and last day hallway walks for my middle one as he closes out his last year in elementary school. Eighth grade graduation and a theme park field trip for my oldest as he prepared to enter high school next year. Teaching our oldest how to drive.

These are just the kid activities I am navigating solo.

Spring yard work, cooking, laundry, and general household upkeep not included. It’s no wonder I am tired.

I gravitated towards most of the kids’ activities in our ‘before.’ Although Tony handled most of the practices because he liked to help the coaches. He would be skeptic to hear that our middle son has decided he wants to play soccer again after quitting 4 years ago. Tony would have been floored to see him actually enjoy playing it this time around. And I miss his help in the evenings, juggling two kids in sports and dinnertime.

First soccer game
First time behind the wheel

I find myself wondering who would have been the better driving instructor. Tony didn’t always have patience in spades, but this might have been one of those times where he had a full deck. He always considered himself a superior driver to me. I can almost hear him giving driving instructions in a calm and steady voice. I hope to emulate in the passenger seat.

Tony definitely would have teased me for volunteering to chaperone the 8th grade field trip to the theme park. I can hear him telling me how awful that sounded. Admittedly, I was stunned when our son asked me to go. However, I also know that 14-year-old boys don’t ask their moms to hang with them. So there was no way I was going to say no. I just hope they all remember to put on their deodorant that morning.

Photo by Marissa Grootes on Unsplash

I keep the candle burning at both ends for all of us and I am tired. But this month and this busy time in our life will pass. I don’t want to wish away time because I know how precious it is but I’m looking forward to taking a nap at the pool in June.

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 44 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 9 and 14. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.