Today, I feel jealous…and guilty for feeling that way. I don’t want to be jealous of other people’s lives, but I am. I want to only feel happiness for the people around me who are getting engaged, getting married, having children, or buying a home. But, the truth is, when I hear about it or see it on social media I feel sad. I see their happiness and joy. I read about their love for one another and see pictures of them together and I just feel sad.
Life was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be married to Boris. By now, maybe we’d have a house. We’d have so much fun decorating it and we’d probably argue over cleaning and laundry. Maybe we would have adopted a dog or gone on an exciting trip together across the world. Maybe we’d have a baby one day. Maybe he would be in pharmacy school or followed a different dream. This life that I’d imagined is not possible anymore. And, that makes me sad.
I don’t have much else to say about this, but I felt safe sharing these hard feelings here. Being jealous of other people’s lives feels wrong to me, so it just leads to guilt. I hate that other people’s lives have been turned upside down by widowhood, but at the same time, I feel so much relief knowing that I am not alone. I know there’s at least one person who will read this and think, “me too”. And, that means a lot.
